Friday 24th June 2020 is a significant date for me; the day I lost my best friend. His life slipped away heartbreakingly fast and as his head and body went limp in my hands and he finally departed I felt a part of me leave also.
Merlin was my best friend for twenty two years; we had many good adventures together and life without him seemed incomplete. I remember that weekend well, the aimlessness, sorrow and loneliness. It's strange really, this weekend, exactly two years later, I feel the same.
I took the picture below the day I took him to the vet for the last time.
He was blind, when he walked it was in circles bumping into things and then he stopped doing so altogether. He had kidney failure and was suffering. The stoic little fellow didn't show it though and his strength broke my heart as did the decision I made to end his suffering. I don't know how I found the courage to take him to the vet; it was a terrible moment.
When I took this picture about five hours earlier I was sitting beside him talking and remembering our adventures together. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I miss him so much.
That morning I'd received word my elderly and ill father had stopped eating. He was resting peacefully in the nursing home but in the twenty four hours to Friday morning had only drunk a couple of table spoons of water fed to him by a nurse. I knew what that meant of course and with Merlin being ill, the decision I'd had to make for him and resulting action...It wasn't a good day or weekend.
I don't remember much of that weekend.
I missed Merlin and had trouble grasping thought due to the loss I felt. It took up most of my energy and yet I had to deal with the constant stream of calls from the nursing home updating me on my dad's situation. I was not allowed to visit him due to the pandemic so they called me often. Between the two events I was a bit of a mess; a condition I'm not in very much, but one I've dealt with in the past.
Two years later, this weekend, I feel the same. It's a little different though, I guess time does that, allows a scab to form over the pain.
I lost my best friend that day and five days later my father passed away; it caused a series of events to come to pass and that cost me greatly. I have memories though, of both Merlin and my dad, the good times, and they comfort me despite the fact I'm still paying the price of loss and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
Today I spent time looking through photos of Merlin and smiled a lot, and cried; I'm not ashamed to admit it as I don't see crying for the departed as weakness. It's ok to cry, I've always thought so. I miss Merlin so much and looking at the photo of him above always makes me so very sad. But sadness passes and leaves room for the remembrance of good times spent with those we love.
Merlin isn't here now but he goes everywhere I go as I carry him in my heart and memories, as I do my father.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Any images in this post are my own