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I have wanted this watch since thwy came out with the 5, but have not been willing to invest this amount until several years later…until now.

My wife has had the Apple watch since its advent. When she got her first one, I FOMO’d and got one too - but I hated it. I don’t value having calls and texts on my wrist; in fact, I value quite the opposite - so when Garmin came out with this powerful fitness tracker and GPS utility a few years after I’d given the Apple watch to my mother in law (or maybe it was my aunt?) - I was very interested.

…but I had to tread cautiously. You don’t tell your wife that you’re choosing a different watch because it doesn’t directly support texting/calls…or maybe you do - but I don’t.

When I first told her I wanted one, of course she got me with all the obvious arguments that could have easily been put to bed if I were to admit that I wanted a smart watch that would not make it harder for me to enjoy blissful solitude.

You hated your Apple watch, remember???

…but I couldn’t say that if I want to get her on board.

Fortunately, it didn’t take much deliberation to come up with a genuine list of other issues I had with the Apple watch:

• It just felt like a shitty, hard-to-navigate, wrist-mounted version of an iPhone (I love iPhones, for the record),
• The fitness tracking options felt like they were buried under several layers of inconvenience, or perhaps more accurately, like clunky add-ons that attempted to expand the utility of the device, without a dedicated effort to develop them as frontrunning features.
• No sleep metrics
• Battery life is painfully short
• At the time, you couldn’t even use the watch’s calculator function without the phone being in connecting range…so all the “watch” functionality was actually dependent on the phone’s processor! What a joke! I’m sure thats better now, but when I had my Apple watch, all it was capable of doing was acting as a remote control for the phone; it couldnt do anything on its own.
• I’m not a fan of the square shape. Not a huge deal, but I don’t like it.

…all in all, the Apple watch has tons of functions, and it’s the ideal companion device for many people out there…but almost none of those features are of interest to me. I don’t want a watch that can do a million things decently, I want a firness tracker that can do essentially one thing exceptionally.

I ordered an orange/yellow band to go with it. How can I tell you I’m so cool without saying I’m soooooo cool ??? Pretty sure I just did. The band was scheduled to arrive one day before the watch itself.

But of course, in classic Amazon style, they deliver the watch band…and screw up on the watch delivery. I received this notification mere hours before the promised time of delivery:

A problem? What do you mean, anproblem??? No, I don’t accept this. I’ve soent this entire week saying shite to myself like “don’t sweat it dude, you’re gonna have your cool new watch after work on Friday and all this will just be a shitty moment that happened in the days before you had a sweet watch”

…I mean, I never said those exact words, but now after having endured all the things, the dangling carrot was ripped out from in front of me.

…I swear, sometimes I hate Lady Amazon, cruel mistress that she is. I had to dig deeper, there had to be more information available.

I’m reminiscing on the scratched TV of a certain Scotsman now, and picturing this watch showing up late but in fine condition, with a smudge on the shipping label…if Big Mama’s issued the refund at that point I’ve already decided I’m keeping it to pay for my pain and suffering - and so I can accessorize by switching between titanium or black!

I called. In case you need to call Amazon for service, they have the following numbers:

1-888-280-4331
1-866-216-1072

…this isn’t exactly hard-to-find information, it’s just easier for me to return to a post than it is to search it again, although if this helps one person call Amazon with a complaint about some boosch, I’ll be a happier camper than I already am. Plus, what if she takes these listings down? - eternal blockchain to the rescue.

Anyway, I called, got the watch refunded, and applied the refund to another one. This time I upgraded slightly from the first one. And now I’m reminded of a certain unnamed sex python’s new amplifier…my wife was none-too-thrilled with my decision to randomly drop this much on a watch…but she’s gonna love it when I’m all buff and classy and modern and toned and shit, which I’m pretty sure watches can totally do these days…plus I just infused our account with a far larger sum, so I feel justified.

source smart watch added by me, for emphasis)

So at the peak of my anxious awaiting, instead of climax, I got a slap in the bean bag…

trick or treat!

I had cried out excitedly at the start of things

Trick, sissy boy! Now get back in your cage!!!

Big Mama Amazon (the big amazon mama) barked in a voice low and dominant - and frankly, terrifying.

My immediate follow up though? Beg domina for more punishment of course, worhout even thinking about it. I’ve got an Amazon card, so I can get 12 months interest free…but that keeps me in bondage, submissive to my awful mistress.

More anticipation, more opportunity for disappointment - but naturally, all with the possibility of climax…maybe this time she’ll give me what I anticipate and take me over the edge…no, no, no wait - we are still talking about a watch, right? RIGHT!?

Aaah yes, there it is, that sexy technology. When I placed the new order, I switched to the titanium bezel instead of black, and I got the pro edition, which apparently differs by way of having the 5th generation heart rate detection, whiiich has twice as many LEDs - and I love LEDs, even the ones I can’t see. Who knows honestly…when the order tracking threw me that wrench Nd big mama amazon cracked her long bullwhip over my backside, I basically started operating in blackout knee jerk consumerist withdrawal mode…remember The Verve? Well I too can’t be held responsible, nor will I…me and the freshman, two peas in a pod…a pod that is subject neither to time nor entropy.

How can they sot here and tell me, with s straight face nonetheless, that it will be delivered on Sunday when (A) mail isn’t delivered on Sundays and (B) it hasn’t even shipped as of Saturday?

When I placed the order they offered to have it in my greedy little hands by Sunday for an additional $18…as opposed to on Monday for free. I naturally took the bait. But now, on Saturday, from my vantage point on St. Andrew’s Cross I can just barely see Lady Amazon in my peripheral. I see her putting her legs through the black leather harness, I hear the jingle of the metal clasps as she hoists the heavy equipment up to waist level - and at this point I think it’s safe to say, she has no intention of giving me what I came for…at least not until after she takes what she came for. Pure, unadulterated dominant submission is what she wants. You’ll take what I give you and thank me for my grace. I hear her whisper from behind…

A single tear forms and rolls down my cheek, as my excitement at the prospect of pleasure dissipates and is replaced with the inevitability of pain and humiliation.

Yes domina

Thanks for checking out some more of my work! As always, I hope you enjoyed witnessing as much as I enjoyed creating!

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