Very annoyed right now.
My lack of productivity lately has been unfortunately noteworthy.
Ever since I got sick a few weeks back my ability to focus has been absolutely abysmal. Not just in terms of being able to concentrate but also literal focus of my own vision. People have been telling me I need glasses for a couple years now. Maybe it's time?
I've been pretty specifically frustrated lately with my inability to write posts on Hive. Like yesterday I had more than enough time to crank one out but simply the act of my roommate turning on the TV made it seemingly impossible to get anything of value completed. I must say my ADHD usually isn't this bad and I'm starting to wonder if and when I'll be getting back to my old self.
Caffeine!
When I get sick I have a tendency to not drink caffeinated drinks like coffee. Then I also tend to stop drinking caffeine altogether for weeks or months after that. This most recent iteration was no different, and I'm beginning to realize that while I tend to avoid traditional withdrawal symptoms that perhaps they are just being replaced with more non-traditional ones. No headaches, tiredness, or cravings for me when I quit cold-turkey, but I'm starting to think that as least some of these focus problems are related.
For now I'm limiting myself to one cup of coffee per day and that seems to be helping. This is nice but I also loathe the idea that I've become so dependent on this silly substance (nature's insecticide). There seems to be quite a few studies around that imply caffeine in moderation is actually a healthy addition to one's diet, but it's hard to know for sure one way or the other.
Also my personal relationship with coffee would almost certainly not be described as "moderate". Today I'm limiting myself to one cup a day, but no promises concerning a week from now. It doesn't take long from one to turn into 3 and 3 to turn into 6. Then once I'm at six for a while I've concluded I've taken it too far and go cold-turkey all over again. The volatility is real!
Discipline
Self-Discipline is a fairly important feature of any functioning adult, but I must admit that mine must be lacking certain key elements. I find that it is much easier to honor commitments than to make them in the first place. Reading books would be a classic example. I find it very easy to finish reading a book; I could easily read fifty to a hundred pages a day. However committing to the book in the first place and reading that first page is exponentially more difficult than all the rest combined.
The same is also true for work and exercise.
I find it trivially easy to show up on time and work the shift that I agreed to in advance. In fact if I were ever to go back to work for Amazon (never) I'd have a ton of time off waiting for me there. Meanwhile going to the gym is the same story. Very easy to push hard when you have a physical trainer or a class instructor telling you to push; not so easy when the person telling you the thing is yourself.
I'm not sure what one would call this epidemic of motivation but of course others surely suffer from it as well. At the end of the day different people need different forms of support, and the society that we've built around us tends to ignore many of these needs. We tend to project these inadequacies on the individual themselves as if to say society is perfect and if you don't like it then you must have some kind of mental illness. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps? Okay grandpa, let's get you to bed.
Click it or ticket
Another major distraction for today was yet another cash grab from the state of New York claiming I owe them another $300 for the speeding ticket I got last month. Yeah I always knew the laws codes in New York were ridiculous but now I'm getting some of that good old firsthand experience.
The fine itself was $150.
A "surcharge" of $90 was added onto that.
A "convenience fee" of $18 was added for paying by card.
$300 (or $100 for 3 years) "Drivers responsibility assessment".
Driver's responsibility assessment?
Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a joke? They literally don't tell you anything about this then slap you with it after the fact, which is confirmed by the very first webpage I found describing what it is.
“The driver responsibility assessment is a fee you must pay to DMV over a three year period if you are convicted of certain traffic offenses in New York State or accumulate 6 or more points on your driving record within 18 months. This fee is in addition to any fines, penalties or surcharges that you must pay for a traffic conviction. The purpose of the assessment is to prevent the repeated behavior of problem drivers and to improve traffic safety.”
The purpose of the assessment is to prevent the repeated behavior of problem drivers and to improve traffic safety.
Oh what a fun lie!
Because the fine occurs when you get 6 points on your driving record, and they gave me 6 points all at once for a single offense, and it's the first ticket I've received in 20 years. Fun times, especially considering the absolute minimum of points one can get with a single ticket is basically 4 because it's not really possible to get pulled over for lesser infractions (1-10 miles per hour over the speed limit) simply because they are never ever enforced. Thus driving 10 miles an hour over the speed limit becomes the standard and they can act like 15 over is an egregious offence. Classic police state.
Yeah so essentially this fine comes from the DMV in New York and I don't even have a New York drivers license. The paperwork itself says if I don't pay the fine they'll revoke my right to drive in New York and perhaps even try to prevent me from renewing my PA license, so that's fun.
Looking back on this situation it appears that all advice given essentially directs you to NEVER plead guilty to a speeding ticket in New York, which I didn't even want to do in the first place but 'no contest' wasn't even an option. Apparently you're supposed to hire a lawyer to show up in court for you and get a better plea. Sure would have been nice if two different people didn't tell me, "Don't worry about it the fine will be like $120." lol: dumb
A number on a screen is not an indication of safety.
It's just extra stupid because my driving wasn't really even unsafe. I just didn't see the speed limit changed as I drove into a small town; a small town in which the only person in sight was a cop sitting at a speed trap on a straight stretch of road. No cars and no people on a straight road is not a hazard. So obviously.
THE PAIN!
One final thought on my utter lack of focus recently always comes back to my shoulder injury. It's been acting up quite a bit more lately than usual, so again another fun addition to all this nonsense.
Conclusion
Well I drank my cup of coffee for the day and it helped me write this post. Small miracles! Will I be hopelessly dependent on caffeine for the rest of time? Perhaps, or maybe I just need to employ a bit more self discipline and get myself into better positioning.
The exploitative nature of the legal system really hits home lately with this ridiculous fine. How is a $500 fine a deterrent for someone who can easily pay the fine? And then even in that case those who know better can easily manipulate the system to get a better deal. It's all ridiculous in the end. I don't know about you but I'm ready to leave this broken system of 1990's government websites combined with $18 "convenience fees" behind. Couldn't come sooner.