We plant seeds for the future all of the time, which is why our current position is based upon what we did in the past. Like most people, I like to play with counterfactuals about my own journey to this point, thinking about if I had done this, or if that hadn't happened and what might be different now. Some people see this as an exercise in futility, since it is impossible to go back and test it, but I consider it as a reflective process that might bring new awareness to circumstances of the past, filtered through what is hopefully a more informed lens of perception, due to the additional experience between what was and what is now.
I think that the seed of my own process of reflection is born from spending a lot of time alone when I was younger, combined with being teased in various ways by relative strangers, the children at school. This likely had a profound effect on me in various ways, including developing a level of defiance to change, as I was forced to question who I was as a person, and opt into staying me - rather than try to be something that I could never be. This started happening around the age of 4 and I remember being in tears, but adamant that I am okay as who I am, regardless of what others think of me.
But, what would have happened if I didn't have that early experience, would I be better off than I am now having some of the initial hurdles of life removed, or weaker? It is impossible to tell for sure, but I like to think that I am better off for it, which is also why I am not a fan of removing bullies from school, as I believe that there will always be bullies in life, learning how to come to terms with them is part of living in a society. I think that removing them from the environment weakens us by lowering the threshold of our resilience to adversity.
Yet, rather than it "not happening" at all, I think the more interesting counterfactual to consider in this case is what might I have become if I decided to attempt to change myself to fit in with those around me - especially considering it would be a change that I can never realize, as I am not white. But, I think that many of us do try to conform to the standards and demands of a culture or peer group in order to fit in, even though it is not in our own best interest. I think a lot of the dangers of social media are in this realm and while there has always been peer pressure, the pressure is now performed on mass with granularity by an unseen bully, the algorithms we attend to in order to get the social feedback we crave.
The problem is when we start to believe the labels that have been ascribed to us socially, as we are seemingly hardwired to identify with social cultures, even if it is not in our best interest. In a hypothetical scenario where a young girl has a mother who continually labels her fat and ugly, repeating it over and over and making the girl feel inferior to all those around her, do you predict a well-adjusted and stable adult as the likely result, or someone who may have deep-seeded issues that could impact heavily on relationships and life outcomes?
This is all about probability, as there are always a range of outcomes in the world, and what crushes one person could raise another to a level of unprecedented excellence. So, probabilistic likelihood is the best we can do to give us a confidence level.
However, a lot of harm can be mitigated through trusted relationships, where for example, rather than the mother being the source of anguish, she could be the source of compassion and love, a support when the same words are said over and over in the schoolyard for example. But, this means building a trusted relationship, something that is seemingly increasingly hard in the digital world, where all relationships are transitory.
The other thing to consider in regards to trust and confidence is the sense of authority of where the direction is coming from. For example, a peer group can have more impact over the direction a child takes than a parent, because a child can see their peers as a reference to themselves, something to conform to, while a parent is "too different" or "too close" to be taken seriously. With the way social media works, I wonder if the authority we are trying to conform to, are the algorithms that drive our social desire to be liked and accepted - which just happens to also drive our consumer habits to a very high degree.
I think that our environment has a very large effect on us as it is filled with billions of seeds, each with the potential to unconsciously take root and start to influence our direct. The seeds become little stories that we tell ourselves that drive our behavior, affect our moods and influence the decisions we make, which obviously has a host of consequences that impact upon our journey, every step of the way. Some of these plants help us along the path, some form barriers to try and hold us in place, or drag us backwards.
Which is why I think revisiting the circumstances of old allows us to relive the moment in some way and with more experience and skill, better understand the events of the time and change the narrative of what took place. This isn't rewriting the event, it is recoding how we feel about what happened to us and possibly imagine solving the problem in a different way, using the skills we have now. It is ridiculous to blame a child for an immature reaction to events when they haven't the skill or experience to manage the circumstances, but it is also ridiculous that grown people still carry around the baggage of their childhood in ways that negatively impact on their life experience.
Coming to terms with our personal history can allow us to more effectively step into our personal future, with less weight upon our shoulders, better strategies on how to cope under pressures and a clearer mind, with a better attitude and outlook on the future. While we can't actually relive our past, we can still improve our future, if we remove the weeds and plant the right seeds.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]