I'm comin' out in a boxer's robe, laser light show, full system crankin' 'Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangta'...
WHAT'S UP HIIIIIIIIIVE?!?!?!
I'm throwin' liters of Gentleman Jack and Johnny Walker Blue into the crowd...
('Ow, hey... what the fuck!')
SHARIN' THAT WEALTH YA'LL!!!
('Fuck your wealth, I think my girlfriend needs stitches!')
I'm tossin' gold chains (some of which get stuck to the magnets on the speakers)
CALLIN' ALL MY HOMIIIEEEEES!
('Somebody call 911!')
Ah, YEAH! Nothing like coming to the stage fresh off a win! Okay, it was more of a participation trophy, but that doesn't matter...
It payed in crypto!!!
('Did you say crypto?')
Yes, I did little lady. Buddy, it looks like your girl is going to be fine. Here baby, here's a $100 I.O.U you can wipe that blood up with.
('So, are you like, a crypto millionaire or something?')
Well, they say it's vulgar to talk about money, but let me put it this way... You know how just one Bitcoin is worth over 40 grand? Well I just won TWO Hive Backed Dollars, for 20 minutes worth of work.
('What the fuck is a Jive Backed Dollar?')
That's Hive Backed Dollar, baby, and it's a crypto-currency, just like Bitcoin.
('ooooOOOOHHHHhhhhhh...')
Yeah, so anybody who want to ah, see me later, you can get my number at the bar. Text me a pic.
So hi there, everyone! I'm Hugh Telmi, but I suppose you all know that now that I'm like, fucking famous. I'm sure a lot of you think that maybe I'm getting a little full of myself, and maybe you're right. Maybe I'm getting full of myself, but of the tens of thousands of active users on this platform only a dozen or so won a paying award for a comedy contest, and I'm not about to lose this head of steam.
I've already quit my job, and said my awkward goodbyes to my family. I'm all in on this comedy thing, come hell or high water. I'm waiting in line on this stage every week, dammit, until I make it big in comedy.
('You know this is virtual, right?')
That's right, I'm virtually unstoppable. They're all calling me crazy now, but when I show up with my success perm, and my european sports car that I park in my gold mansion I've bought with my crypto millions, they'll wish they'd supported me then. They'll all come crawling then.
This is why comedians are such damaged people. Even if your funny didn't come from trauma, the people who are supposed to love and support you don't think you're funny enough to support yourself with jokes (and they're probably right) so they just shit on your dream all the time.
Here's a thought, so you comedians can look on the bright(er) side, keep in mind that their discouragement may just be self defense. If you're funny enough to support yourself with jokes, they know they will definitely end up being the butt of several of them. So maybe your mother says she's disappointed, but deep down she's hoping that she will be disappointed just so you don't tell embarrassing stories about her.
My grandparent's generation all talk about Bob Hope any time anyone brings up comedy. I wonder, were Bob Hope's parents proud? People had different ideas about what was repectable back then. Maybe Bob never went home for Christmas because pops would have shot at him while holding a bible and chanting in latin. Maybe that's why he did all those Christmas specials.
I could look that up on my phone now, but it's more fun for me to speculate. In another generation or two, nobody is going to get that reference anyway, I'll spin whatever story I want. Who knows, if I spin one good enough, I'll be able to take my crypto billions and growing fame into politics.
('Could I cash in this I.O.U. now?')
Oh, sweety, that's not an I.O.U., that's just a bloody piece of paper.
('You just gave me this, told me it's good for $100, acting all flashy... hell I got this cut from the bottle YOU threw! I'm calling some hood friends down here, they're going to kick the SHIT out of you when they see your white ass dressed like that...')
Well folks, that's my time! I want to thank most of you, you've been a wonderful audience! Hopefully Mr. Sensitive and his gold digger friend here...
('Oh you mother...')
...will sort out their little problems at home next time. Wanna give a quick shout to my boyz looking all inconspicuous in the back there, DandAys, complxty,... waitress, could you send those guys some drinks? Not trying to bribe judges or anything... I mean, I'm open to a bribery scenario, but this probably isn't the best place to discuss that. Let me just cash out some of this sweet crypto winnings and I'll drop by in the helicopter, say the word.
PEACE!
