Part 2 of My Long, Painful, Humiliating, Crowd-sourced Ventriloquism Journey

Obviously all the world loves ventriloquism, but OMFG you all at Hive really get it. I am blown away. I’m humbled. After Part 1: Help Me Find My Soulmate! I was literally showered by an outpouring of support for my journey—a journey towards becoming the human half, the lesser half, of yet-to-be-named (contest to determine the name coming soon!) ventriloquist/ventriloquial figure bonded pair. You all left me drenched in, again quite literally, in something I don’t have non-German words to describe—an equal combination of love, vanity, fear, indifference, rage, shame, and gluttony.

You're all dying to know, so let me share the results of the contest, before updating you on how things are going with the bonding journey…

100s voted. Tabulation complete I am obliged to announce you all have dictated I will be irreversibly bonded to Ed Billings, Man in Dress. Where once stood man and ventriloquial figure will now stand [INSERT CONTEST WINNING ACT NAME HERE], a spectacular and singular entertaining unit.

Ed Billings, Man in Dress scored big for his lanky legs and seductive velvet pocket’s ability to accommodate my aggressive and reaching handwork style, his popularity with crow aficionados in Portland, and his uncanny resemblance to your uncle.

Those of you not destined to endure a multi-week, molecular-level bonding process with Ed Billings, Man in Dress may need a refresher on this figure’s finer points:


  • Short torso/long legs 100% matches my handwork style
  • Mouth style accommodates working "blue"
  • Apron included


  • No forearms
  • Paper mache (no outdoor shows)
  • Good hand feel in Ed's velvet pocket (distraction)
    Cost: US $45.00


Thanks again for all your votes and your warm welcome into the community. Let me give you a quick update on how the bonding process your votes determined is playing out…

Our eternal fates now sealed by the (possibly way too) casual votes of the Hive community, I placed my Buy It Now order on eBay. I went about constructing our bonding chamber, following The Bergen Institute’s sometimes infuriatingly vague blueprints (e.g., “chamber must be secure enough to withstand the DNA extraction/recombination process, but not so strong as to prevent hatching”). I’ve learned much. Between teaching myself just enough chemistry to brew 55 gallons of hydrochloric acid, and finding the best bulk suppliers for catgut, nettles, and medical-grade earwigs, it’s like being back in clown college—but this time I’m acing it.


chamber plans (courtesy of The Bergen Institute)

All that’s left to do is await the arrival of Ed Billings, Man in Dress, spend ~133 seconds on the pivotal getting acquainted step (I've timed this "sock-on-hand", actual time TBD), and both enter the chamber for 19 excruciating days of bonding. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Fun fact: Did you know there is a cheaper and slower shipping method than Book Rate? The USPS offers D*mmy Rate shipping that’s 1/10th the cost for 7x the delay.

Some extended time on my hands I decided to re-read the 16 captivating, best-selling novels that make up Tim LeHaye and Jerry B Jenkin’s Left Behind series. Electric kettle on I head down to the rapture celler to retrieve volumes one and two (Left Behind: A Novel of the Earth's Last Days & Tribulation Force: The Continuing Drama of Those Left Behind).

As I descended into the rapture cellar I lost my footing, tumbled down the stairs. My head hit something, and hit it hard. I went out cold. I don’t know how long I was out, days as easily as hours. When I came to what do I see? Sitting on my bookcase, is the slack-jawed, glowing eyed, balding child, Dapper Dan (it turns out the jacket is reversible, if you were wondering).

My thinking still isn't clear at this point, but my mind jumped to the first item in Dapper Dan's list of cons:

  • Previous bond mate is still alive somewhere

My mind then jumped to something I really hadn't given much thought to in years—the irrevocably, total, and unexplained amnesia I experienced from 2008-2013.

I then thought about how much better Dapper Dan looks with his jacket reversed.

Finally I considered what this will all mean once long-legged, short-torsoed, sexy-mouthed Ed Billings, Man in Dress joins us in 8-31 weeks.

to be continued


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