Good morning or afternoon or evening ladies and gentlemen or neither or both or maybe you don't wanna talk about it or maybe you do just not with me and I'm overstepping my boundaries and Martha Focker that was painful!
Sensitive personalities require a lot of accommodation nowadays or they'll bash your virtual existence in the name of equal rights. Mind your P's and Q's, dot the right I type shit and never ever EVER cross the wrong T cuz not all morning people are evening people and vice versa.
I saw a big box van on the road the other day that said T women and a truck. Curiosity got the best of me, 'the hell's inside that truck?' I looked it up and damn you generation Z as in asleep! Zzzz Before you I never would've mistaken Two Men for T women.
Give it up for @amirtheawesome1.
:applause:
He brought back Comedy Open Mic which coincidentally after years of collecting dust in my photo album gave that cover image purpose. See the trunk? Vibrant B-words parked in front of anywhere are rarely advisable and I pulled it off rather palatially so thanks for the contest Amir! Zero thanks for 11 rules, Amir, WTF dude?! Even the Commandments only have 10.
40 HBD up for grabs you sinners.
I saw a British license plate on a Japanese minivan parked in one of four occupied handicap spots this morning at a German restaurant in Middle America where the wait's so long you'll wish you ate before you went and I don't think being a great big giant fat motherfucker should qualify for disabled parking privileges and I should probably stop now before this run on sentence crosses the line because I need a camera man or woman.
I have the next reality TV blockbuster scripted and ready to break the internet, all I need's someone to film it. Pura won't do it—refuses. When we're at a restaurant and I so much as breathe a single word of it or point directly at the couple sitting across the dining room like 'look, them!' She sharply whispers STFU!!! with blood thirsty eyes like when I forget to set the oven timer and insists if I don't put my finger away immediately I'll wish I had.
I need a camera man or woman. Biggest thing to hit YouTube since drunk fail compilations.
Bigger than Upine.
Bigger than a CDC update!
Stage
We're at a more than half capacity filled restaurant with plenty of patrons enjoying a meal away from home, "someone's" zoomed in on me, filming. Volume's tuned just right and picks up the conversation I'm about to initiate with the couple sitting across from each other staring at their phones.
I'm dressed to impress. Fresh smile for the camera, Tag Heuer exposed, matching cuff links n'shit, concealed tattoos etcetera. I lean slightly toward the table all smiles and bright eyed in an inviting, harmless voice.
Lights
'Hi. I'm not gonna ask you for money but continuing in the spirit of improper interruption awkwardness, would you mind if I asked you both one quick question or would you rather I get out of your lives forever?'
I ask the question with a question. That way in the unlikely event they opt out of my presence they'll still have to engage with me and the camera's rolling so no footage is lost. They agree, "sure what's your question?"
Camera
'I can't help but notice both of you enjoying an evening out together, sitting across from one another in a nice restaurant environment less than two feet apart and neither of you have set your phones down since arriving and I just gotta know what in the fuck are you looking at?'
Action!
One more time for Amir :applause: Thanks for bringing back COM. We haven't had a Comedy Open Mic community since before communities were a thing.
Subscribe here. Stop by discord and say hi. Keep an eye out for announcements and post promotions. Last time COM was around they hosted weekly COMtests open to everyone that are generously rewarded and always good for some laughs.
Happy holidays you. Merry Christmas and happy new year. Entertaining you the past four years has been my pleasure. Let's do it again in 22.
