How to Fail at Online Dating No Matter Who You Are: A Comedy Open Mic Contest Entry

"When you go into a complete shutdown and spend the next 24-hours alternating between teary panic attacks and hiding paralyzed under the covers just because somebody of the opposite sex did something nice for you, it doesn't mean you're not ready to start dating again," says the woman I pay for one hour a week of second-chance parenting. "These are simply obstacles you are learning to overcome."

Ok, so maybe she said it with more compassion than that. And maybe, just maybe, I'm not quite that fucked up. Let's just say I'm damaged goods that have been pickling in singledom for way too long and I'm ready to hit the meat market shit show dating scene again.

This is no easy feat for an introvert during a pandemic.

Word on the net is dating apps aren't creepy anymore, and that there are tons of success stories out there and everyone and their dog is using them. You just have to know how to use them.

I don't know how to use them except to find duds.

I asked around.

Here are some of the tips I received:

"Be very specific about what you are looking for." -Therapist.

Not sure what I'm looking for. I enjoy the freedom of being single but I'm sick of being lonely. I want to get laid but I don't want to sleep around during the greatest cootie craze of the millennium. I'm not opposed to something casual but also want something serious that I can call love for a few years but probably not forever because that's unrealistic.

"Be yourself, like twoooo hundred percent." -Friend who braved online dating in its infancy and found her now-husband of nearly two decades.

Pretty sure that's why I'm so fucking single.

"Just have fun with it!" -Everyone who hasn't been traumatized by dickpics and dirty-talkers mostly because the people who say this have never used dating apps and/or are men and aren't afraid of dickpics and dirty talk from some puppy-kicking misogynist on the redskirts of town.

But it's ok. I'm a big girl now, with big boundaries.

"WTF is a dating app?" -My dog.

"Use Plenty of Fish, the guys just come to you and you get to pick who you like." -Also-single-as-fuck friend.

Sounds easy enough.

Ok. Here goes.
Take a quick selfie in the kitchen, fill in a couple details, and


POF profile.jpg
Initially my career said Massage Therapist. Turns out Plenty of Fish doesn't want anyone listing themselves as a professional "rapist." My new, censored, POF-approved job title? "Massage The." Best just use the acronym.

Ready to go fishing.

Oh look, I've got messages already!


Let's see what kind of fish I caught.

favorite picture.jpg

This is going well! I'm so pleased.

crow cooker fail.jpg

Too bad, he seemed like such a lovely guy when we met.

Who's next?


Wait, no, I take it back, can you pay off my car?

Fun fact: I really was sitting on the can and about to take a shit, but when I saw Jim's response I laughed so hard it sucked back in and I had to wait until after my last client to finally relieve myself.

Jim sounds like a keeper. But let's see what else is biting.

where you talkin to me.jpg

He bought 2000 shares! I think he likes me. But I want options. I know my buttered halibut is out there somewhere.

same line.jpg

That's not really fair of me. It's not like I've never used the same line in the same pond myself...

all the brandts.jpg
It didn't work, but that's for the best since my therapist said I couldn't date either of them.

I wonder what will happen if I use that line here?

phone number.jpg
That's a real number, but it's not the one he gave me.

Shit, that was too easy. Let's try this on someone else. Maybe I can get some credit card numbers.


For the record, I do know what those acronyms stand for. I'm just not dtf someone in acronyms.

OB! Y! Y! Y! HFMMM! DS! IGTC! IC! IC!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of acronyms...

acronym kink.jpg

He never wrote back.

But this guy did!

go fast.jpg


"Do you like crystal meth do you wanna come over and fuck me on crystal meth I have crystal meth I have crystal meth hello[?]"

Thanks for the invitation, Mark, but I've already got plans to hang out with my new friend Gato_13.

ought to be friends.jpg

Sadly, it didn't work out between us...

god and grammar.jpg

...and I was forced to move on.

not doing anything sexy.jpg

Nothing like a complete stranger naming you Sexy to make you feel unique and not at all like a brainless sex object. NEXT.

delte pof account.jpg

I mean, he's waited a whole thirty seconds to finally start a conversation with me, I really should give him a chance. But I'm such a cold fish. NEXT!

actually liked your looks.jpg

Thought I was for sure going to hell for this one but he turned out to be a scammer, unlike my sweet, sweet Jim.


Anna Swifford. Has a nice ring to it. But I don't want to rush things.


Weekly?! WTF. Better go back and edit my profile to specify Monday, Wednesday, Saturday.

mounted fish.jpg

Please read profile and come up with something original.


πŸ™„Dude you can't just shove your dick through a woman's boundary just because you were horny or still are lol. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Well that settles it. I've made my decision. I know who's getting the goods.

bye jim.jpg

Finely printed disclaimers and special thanks.
For the record, I am neither man-hater nor monster. Jim was a scammer. The guys I fucked with that turned out to be decent received an apologetic lie that a friend had hacked my phone. There were plenty of nice guys out there, but I was only there for the comedy. I wished these guys luck. There were plenty of boundary-crossing asshole creeps out there, too. Not OK. Not even in Oklahoma.
Special thanks go to my single-as-fuck friend for recommending POF for pure comedy gold and for lighting a yellow candle that is supposed to help me find what I'm not even sure I'm looking for. Thanks also to @brandt for the permission to use our exchanges in this post. And of course, thank you to @amirtheawesome1 for the group and the contest.

This concludes my official entry to the Comedy Open Mic Contest. Per the rules, I am required to nominate two people I know to be funny. @coloneljethro, are you up for the challenge?

I have another funny person in mind who would probably have a blast with this comtest, but we used to bang and it didn't work out and we tried to be friends and that didn't work out either so tagging him and forcing him to read through all of this to find his name is a little more jerkface than I can muster. There are some things that are sacred. However, if you want to nominate him yourself, let me know, and I'll drop the name after this post gets buried.

That being said, @jotakrevs, you're a funny guy, care to give the comtest a go? (This nomination is made with no ulterior motives whatsoever.)

10% of this post's rewards goes back to support the community.

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel. It's all about crows and CRows and CROWS. No dating advice.
Follow me on my crows and CRows and CROWS instagram: @se_pdx_crows
Like my Art in NFT Showroom but don't buy it. Nobody does. Nobody. I'm a failure.

If you think you're so funny, you should enter this contest. Use this link for the how-to.

All the stuff (pictures, words, etc.) I put in this post and any of my other posts is mine (unless otherwise stated) and can't be used by anyone else unless I straight up say it's ok. Boundaries, ya know?

3 columns
2 columns
1 column