Greetings and salutations.
Below I have carefully compiled a selection of what I believe to be objectively above-average jokes from a randomized sample of nineteen of the top 100 comedians and humorists of all time as rated by the 1758 edition of Poor Richard's Almanack, as requested.
In all but one case I have provided attribution to the joke's original author; the single exception being necessitated, as you will no doubt see, by the fact that there is simply no record of the joke ever having not existed.
Where appropriate I have also provided analyses to aid the reader in fully understanding the jokes in their context; for as we all know, jokes once explained are jokes become that much funnier.
I trust that you are ready? Excellent. Let us begin.
What do you get when you cross a rainbow with a unicorn?
A cornucopia of comedy gold.
– Lucky the Leprechaun
What do you get when you cross a vacuum with an oven?
A roast where all the jokes suck.
– The Pillsbury Doughboy
What do you get when you cross Lucky the Leprechaun with The Pillsbury Doughboy?
Good question, let me get back to you on that.
– Sid Phillips
Analysis
The Pillsbury Doughboy is fat and out of shape, while Lucky the Leprechaun is athletic, spry and, well, lucky. Therefore, and hypothetically speaking of course, if we were to arm these two characters with pointed sticks and force them to fight to the death in a pit we dug in the ground, the odds of winning would be about 10 to 1 in Lucky's favor. In order for the Doughboy to win, something extremely unlucky would have to hypothetically happen to Lucky, such as slipping on some mud and falling directly onto the sharp end of his opponent's stick, or maybe having one of his arms broken by an intruder the night before the big hypothetical fight. So, it makes the most sense to put all of your hypothetical money on Lucky here. Great! Can't wait to see how this hypothetically plays out.
How many tiny people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least two.
– Anonymous
Analysis
Screwing in a light bulb is not recommended for people who are more than one inch tall. Always use protection when screwing in a light bulb. Never screw in a light bulb if the power is on. Side effects may include electrocution and/or first-degree burns. Ask your doctor if screwing in a light bulb is right for you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she thought it would be funny.
– Chicken Run
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To pull that lying cheating piece of shit rooster out of the ditch where he landed and drag him back onto the blacktop so she could watch him get hit by a car again.
– Chicken Little
Analysis
The original answer to the question of a chicken crossing a road is To get to the other side. This may have seemed humorous back when racist minstrel shows were at the height of their popularity in the 1840s and '50s, but ever since the summer of 1863 when a team of researchers at Yale University discovered that slavery was bad, it hasn't been funny. It is now generally accepted in the modern global humor community that all answers to Why did the chicken cross the road EXCEPT To get to the other side are funny answers.
The mechanic called about your car. He said he had good news for you!
– Frank Hardy
The IRS called. They said normally you'd have to pay taxes on that income, but they'll let you off the hook this time!
– Joe Hardy
The doctor called. She said the testicular cancer is somehow completely gone, and you now have the ability to simply deactivate your sperm if you're fucking someone you don't want to impregnate!
– Fenton Hardy
God called. He said he wants to promote you to omnipotent!
– Franklin W. Dixon
Analysis
Everyone was wrong this whole time. Life actually is all rainbows and unicorns!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Humor is easy
And so is your mom's dream interpretation.
– Sigmund Freud
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry sucks
And so does your dad's shop vac.
– Figment Droid
Analysis
What is your dad doing in the flower bed with that shop vac? Why is your mom sleeping with her head in the oven?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug the drug dealer.
Oh hey, Doug.
Hey. Here are your drugs.
Thanks. Here is your money.
Thanks. See ya.
See ya.
…
…
…
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police.
Shit!
– The Police
Two mules walk into a bar. The bartender says Sorry, this is a drug-free zone.
– "Carlos"
Analysis
Don't ever trust the police, they are not your friends. If the police were your friends, they wouldn't go undercover as a drug dealer named Doug and sell you marijuana and LSD to take the edge off the living hell that is major depressive disorder and then come back at night when you're high and vulnerable to kidnap you and lock you in a cage for the crime of trying to improve your life. But the bartender—the bartender gets it. You can talk to the bartender. He understands. Sure, maybe it slipped his mind that technically alcohol is a drug too, but he'll pour you a stout on the house and listen as you wax eloquent about how much fun you're gonna have later with the brick of cocaine they shoved up your ass right before paddling you across the Rio Grande. And when you accidentally get a bit too drunk to safely drive drunk he'll call you a cab, and he'll make sure management promises not to tow your car before you can sober up and come pick it up the next morning. So just keep this advice in mind, kids, and you'll do fine in life—cops bad, bartenders good.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
** crickets **
Hello? Is anyone there?
** crickets **
Well, I guess no one's there.
– Pinocchio
Analysis
If Pinocchio hadn't been tripping so hard on acid that cold fateful winter night he would've recognized the sound of his friend's voice and opened the door, but he was and he didn't, so poor Jiminy ended up freezing to death right there on the front porch. On the one hand it would probably be a real bummer to lose one of your friends that way, but on the other hand now that Pinocchio's conscience is dead he won't have the capacity to feel bad about what he's done when he opens the door for a smoke in the morning and finds the body.
A bartender walks to a place where two roads diverge in a yellow wood. The bartender says I'll take whichever one of you is less traveled.
– Robert Frost
Analysis
The bartender doesn't make enough money at his regular job and has to work a side hustle as a drug mule, which explains his preference for the road less traveled.
A rabbi walks into a bar mitzvah.
– Larry David
Two rabbis walk into a gas chamber.
– David Irving
Analysis
People are very easily offended. Always remember to ask yourself Why when you find yourself in an uncertain comedy situation. Why, for example, did the rabbi walk into the bar mitzvah? Perhaps it had just started raining outside, and he didn't have an umbrella, so he simply stepped into the nearest synagogue for shelter where a bar mitzvah happened to be underway. Or maybe he'd been out in his back yard reading Leviticus to his flock of sheep when suddenly one of his cleverest chickens figured out how to use a crowbar to compromise a weak point in the fence, and before you could say Holy of Holy Shit that chicken had crossed the road to get into the bar mitzvah, leaving the rabbi with no choice but to give pursuit. It's really hard to say. For all we know the rabbi could have been nursing a grudge against someone for a really long time now, and this just happened to be the day he finally snapped, walked into a bar mitzvah, and whipped out a couple of Uzi pistols and started shooting. The main point to all of this, of course, is that if you really think the Holocaust never happened, then I really doubt anyone's ever gonna give much of a fuck if an angry rabbi decides to walk up to you and send a few rounds of heavy metal projectile flying through your face in broad daylight.
An alcoholic walks into a bar.
– God
Analysis
God, that's not funny at all.
