In this quiet night, I must once again sit with grief. I must examine the slow untying of time, the vagaries of life. Like a reel, I must unspool the many yesterdays before me and capture the points, those nerve junctions where my dearly departed and I met. This is the night of remembering and regret. This is the night of loneliness.
I think I muttered a prayer as the news came right after I shouted Jesus! I must have prayed something because what else can I do? I who cannot abide relationships or friendships has to say goodbye once again. The cruelest thing is my inability to feel anything. I can't even afford tears.
I may have used up all the tears grieving for myself. I may just be a cold thing. I wish I can be more for my lovers, my friends, my siblings. I wish I could be that warmth, embracing them, bringing them together. At one time, I thought I was a bridge but not anymore.
How do I mourn then? How do I carry this weight into tomorrow? You must notice the absence, the excised part of your body? There will be a sense of imbalance, a space where something was stood solid. This grief is something weary. Life must continue in some form. For;
Your journey has found its feet
in the mouth of a god.
As you walk down its throat,
be careful with your coin
& your lamp. Be watchful
of the lingering depths
& what hides. Remember those
weary ones you left behind;
sisters of your youth,
mothers once daughters,
the little boys you once scolded.
Pray for us who remain,
who must survive the daily trauma.
Remember the score for laughter
& the banter as time went by.
Remember we who breathe here
for we are yet to face
that final fear,
to break the dust of our bodies.
Eternal rest grant unto you and let perpetual light shine upon you. May you rest in peace; Amin & Amin.