This is going to be a three-part series of letters that I am writing to myself as I try to get better professionally and personally.
Things have not been okay and after a session with my counselor last Saturday we both agreed to this writing exercise as part of my CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
I was encouraged to write down all my frustrations, all the negative thoughts and anger running in my head and heart. I often would sleep too little as I overthink things of what went wrong and I also have instances where I sleep too much spending 12-15 hours asleep only to wake up to urinate and then off to sleep again. Sometimes I eat, most of the time I eat a piece of bread or an apple. Most things taste ashen to me.
I am getting ahead of myself.
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
It all started a month ago when finally that opportunity to move up professionally was opened after waiting more than a year. We still are in a pandemic and so I understood that growth would slow down but here it was and I grabbed it.
I sent my application, was so excited to have the opportunity and worked with our internal Talent Acquisition to make sure every requirement was sent over. They assured me it was and they would schedule me for the hiring manager interview.
A week passed and on a Thursday I was informed that my interview was tomorrow. I psyched myself up and told self-affirmations that I can do this!
I entered the video interview room 5 minutes before the interview and waited. Then I waited and waited again. It was past 5 minutes on the scheduled interview time when he suddenly entered the room. He apologized and said that a previous meeting ran longer than expected. I smiled saying it was okay.
Then he started asking questions. I answered to the best of my abilities. Highlighting strengths and what I could bring to the position.
The beauty of video calls is you can see the other person. All the nuances, ticks and micro-expressions. I could clearly see that it that he was not interested. That he was going through the motions of the interview. I know because I have done the same time a hundred times albeit without the candidate seeing my face. Here he was not even hiding it. It dawned on me that this was just a formality interview. Just so that they can say they processed an internal.
Even knowing this I still tried my best. We ended the call and I told someone I trusted that it felt like a formality. I hope that I was wrong but I have been in the game for far too long to be wrong.
Fast forward to two weeks ago I finally received some feedback. They would like to thank me for my interest but they were not moving forward with my application and the reason was I lacked a particular experience. Wait, What?! I lacked a certain experience? An experience that I even highlighted in the interview because I knew that needed to be focused and used as a talking point to generate interest.
I was floored. I would have accepted any other reason but not one that says I don't have a certain experience but I made sure to talk about it. He missed it completely. Even if he missed it in the interview if he took the time to read my profile he would have seen it. It was a formality.
I was pissed at this point and was feeling very negative. I wanted to shut down my PC and take the day off but nope I did my job well as if nothing happened. My work ethic demanded it.
I must admit that I went on autopilot mode. I am good at what I do that I am still able to deliver the same level even on autopilot. I would log in, check my emails, attend interviews and meetings and do my admin work and reports all the while looking at the dark night sky.
I was pulled back with the news of a merit increase in salary. Okay this was good. Earning more is always good. So was waiting for it to be officially announced. Then I waited and waited again. Nothing. Some teams already discussed theirs but not on our team. No mention at all.
People talk and so we were able to piece together that the max increase was to be 3% for most folks. There were some that got 4% and even some 8%
So I was still waiting and still nothing. I then learned that the increase has been placed in our Timekeeping system and so I took a look. It was 3% and a mere pittance.
After all those happy news that even in a pandemic our numbers were higher than what it was in 2019. So we were better financially and here it was 3%
Then I learned that some people who were 8% was because of meritious promotions to the next level. It was not the level of the position I applied for but it was higher. Let us call it a Level 2 as most would be in Level 1. There were 7 of those. When I learned the names I asked myself why was I not included? It was not only me that asked but some people around me as well.
For the past year I, together with two more people, have done a lot. I know it sounds like I am bragging but we held the team together with training, engagement activities and making sure each felt supported.
Yet here we were forgotten. No meritorious promotion, no 8% increase. Nothing.
We were bothered by this but we didn't want to wallow in self-pity and defeat. One asked her superior, two of us did not bother. I was afraid to ask and sound bitter for it.
To add further injury during our townhall they made an impromptu survey on who were the silent heroes people had in the organization. My name appeared in the top 10. It had impact to others. The 7 people were not even on the list.
I am bitter. I am mad and it stressed me out. I did everything I can and all for nothing. While I did those things because I wanted to and believed in its importance but I was unhappy that it was just taken for granted.
So here I am writing a letter to myself trying to figure out things. To move on from the negative thoughts in my head and the anger in my heart.
So here it goes...
"Dear Mave,
I know you are hurting right now that you either sleep your day away or remain awake most of the time overthinking what went wrong.
You have always been hard on yourself. You are your worst critic often getting whispers that you are not good enough so you have the tendency to overcompensate and stretch till you can't stretch no more.
You also have the tendency to get frustrated easily if things don't go your way. It is okay to be frustrated but manage your emotions.
Do not let these people have so much power that you want to implode because you feel that it is unfair. It is unfair and let us acknowledge that.
We have to stop the mindset that is as far as you go. That is a fixed mindset. Embrace a growth mindset that this is just a setback. That things will become better.
It might not be here but somewhere else. So open yourself to the possibilities and let us not dwell on this. If it will not matter in a month, don't think about it. If it will not matter in a year don't think about it. If it will not matter in 5 years then don't think about it.
Move on and be better.
Regards,
Future Mave"