Forever never

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If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever.

George Orwell


I'll love you forever.

I believed it. She'd said the words with such conviction and as they poured out they cradled me in emotion, passion, desire and love. I felt safe, willing and able to fall knowing she was there to catch me, that my landing would be soft and that I'd never wish to be any place but within her embrace; physically and emotionally. She'd love me forever.

I remember it like it was yesterday though it was a long time ago.

We were at the lake, a beautiful early spring day which shone brightly; azure blue sky, flower-scented breeze, birds calling, water lapping at the shore. Yes, it was a beautiful day but we largely ignored in preference of each other. Typically us.

We sat in dappled sunlight beneath a tree, both partly clothed, talking softly, occasionally in silence simply enjoying of the feeling of skin on skin, the proximity of the other and a connection that seemed so intertwined and impossible to separate.

It had been mere months since we'd met however the bond grew quickly; it seemed almost that we'd known each other before though we'd never met, but we both laughed at that as being crazy when it came up. I think she believed it though, or wanted to, and the way we just fell into each other...I wondered if it could be true.

We'd swum in the lake that day; it was cold and I called her crazy when she stripped off her summer dress down to her underwear. They called it Victoria's Secret, but there were no secrets any longer. I didn't mind.

She ran off into the lake and splashed around, mid-thigh deep, in the cold water then turned to look at me still sitting on the bank. I remember what I thought at the time, and how those thoughts escalated, rose, as she placed hands on hips, cocked her head slightly sideways and pouted. I noted the water droplets make their way to places I recalled so fondly and enjoyed the view.

Well? She said in question.

I didn't move; I knew how cold that water was.

That's when she reached around back unhooked the bra and wriggled a little as she pulled it off. She flung it my way for effect...And I was in that water faster than you could say, the bra came off. I know. Predictable.

Later we warmed up in the sun then sat intertwined beneath that tree.

Hey! Let's carve our names into the trunk, she said a little later. A happy smile spread across her pretty face and she sat up quickly reaching for my boot where she knew she'd find a knife.

I felt sorry for the tree but the sight of her standing there, semi-naked whilst carving our names was a distraction too powerful to ignore. I watched as parts of her wiggled quite pleasingly as she scratched away at the tree trunk.

She put her name first, on top, then mine and beneath carved the word forever.

When the was done I pulled her down to the blanket and...Much later we sat arm in arm. That's when she said it...

I'll love you forever.

I'd moved around so I could look her in the eyes and said, I love you too. I meant it with every fibre of my being. Being here within this moment and the love just felt right.


Forever never lasts though. When she left I felt empty.

I fell again, but not in the same way as before; it was tumble and felt chaotic. There was no soft landing, no arms to cradle me, no love to envelop and hold me close. I just fell. I kept falling and didn't know how to stop nor did I really care that I spiralled downwards.

I don't know why we unraveled. There was some cursory dialogue, my imploring and desperate pleas, an attempt to understand, offer some space but in the end I realised that forever had a time limit. She's gone and whilst I still fall I know how to deal with it a little better. I love her still, but I guess, if I'm honest, it's a fools errand and she doesn't want me to. I hate myself for it but don't know how to make it stop.

Sometimes I tell myself I'm ok and sometimes I even believe it.

Sometimes I vow never to accept those words again, never to fall into that trap, and so my heart grows cold and bleak.

Sometimes I hate the word forever with such passion it borders on obsession and often I yearn to hear it and nothing else, ever again. From her.

Sometimes I wander past that tree by the lake. Our names are still there with the word forever beneath them.

The memories flood back, the feeling of those moments, and I feel sad. Cheated. Used; loved, desired and valued. I smile a little though, sometimes, despite the chaos and turmoil inside me. I smile because I had the moment. I had her for a moment, and she me, for...

Well, forever never lasts but we had each other...For a moment at least.

[A fiction]


Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind

Discord: galenkp#9209

Image is mine

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