Crazy thoughts of jumping

This is not a very positive post, as my life is going into a very stressful situation. The job I'm currently working with is an insurance company, which I've been with for the past 7 years. Due to the recent pandemic, our sales has dropped below our budgeted production. At first, the management still tolerating, but now we've seen people gotten transfer department, moving out from their comfort zone.

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People surrounding me has been going "missing" from time to time, and even now when I'm sitting at the office, there's hardly any people near me. They're either "invited" by the big shots to tender their resignation, or being transferred to department that will make them leave their position. By the rate this is going, I think pretty soon I will be the next one. Couple of days ago, a client of mine came to see me, we've briefly chatted about the current "situation", and he offered me to hook me up with one of the competitor's company manager, see if I will be able to secure a job with the competitor company.

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After I've revised my 7 years old resume, I'm seriously turned down by myself. Seriously, even myself couldn't convince myself to hire myself with that pay. I am pretty sure the person who is going to review my resume will have a huge laugh until fall off the chair. The thought of jumping ship suddenly SUNK before I even have a chance to jump. I've talked to my friend TK from Texas, he did share with me his point of view, who am I afraid of? Myself or the man? I can actually hold this position for as long as I wanted to. At this stage, I'm still holding back everything I wanted to do, in order to change job.

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It's not that I don't want to. Deep down in my heart, I understand there's no way I'll be able to survive long on the next job, due to the nature of business has changed. My job position is slowly being replaced by machines, and there's nothing much we can do to fix that. I was from IT background, changed to sales and marketing many years ago, and now the sales and marketing has been replaced by IT and SEO. Company may still want a delivery boy, and an IT guy who can design perfect user interface which I'm totally outdated, but definitely not an overpaid marketing personnel that goes out do drinking with client. I guess, I am running out of choice. I still wanna jump, like I'm holding back at the edge of the ship and seeing if there's any other rescue boat around my reach.

What? You think I'm gonna jump off the roof? Trust me, I did thought of it, but I'm just too afraid of pain and I'll faint before I climb to the edge. Cut my wrist? Nah! I'll faint if I sees blood. Jump to the ocean? Nope, I can't swim and afraid of suffocation. Don't introduce me new way to die, I still wanna live. I'm just having hard time trying to survive a bloody job right now.

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