There's an autumn in my heart

I was left wondering after I've received a lovely note next to my recent book order. I get through my stash of books pretty fast so I always make sure to order new titles so my mind wouldn't be left hungry. And then I felt inspired to do this bodypainting.

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Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go



Hmm... Is it? Where is the beauty in looking at what you (thought you) had and enjoy the crumbs from now? There is beauty in the things which are gone, but I admit it's hard. It's hard to let go. For example, I always keep the envelopes in which the notes from my book site arrive because they glue ladybugs on them and I like to collect them all. I also keep the notes, they are cute and I like that they're handwritten. I am sure that I like them because of the way they make me feel. Special. Cared for.

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The hardest thing to let go of is an idea. An illusion. A person. For example let's take the idea of being loved. Although I could see clear evidence of lack of affection towards me from some people from my past, I kept on holding on, hoping they would, someday, learn how to love me. Or at least be willing to make an effort. I hoped. I wanted to feel loved so badly that I clinged to the idea despite of obvious evidence of the contrary. People will tell you indirectly that they don't love you or want you ( sadly when you need them the most) . And you will either believe it and move on or you just won't let go. Hoping, giving more chances, waiting, hoping again,fighting to change them. A quiet form of despair in our universal desire to feel loved. Silent suffering. A leaf blown by the wind of denial. We make our own stories and we hold the keys to changing chapters, but how to read a different story if you don't turn the page?

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The same it's with autumn. We can look back and mourn for the spring. We can think that we're getting crumbs of pain instead of happiness. We forget that our heart is like the seasons: it goes through changes. Sometimes we go through self inflicted pain because it feels familiar, therefore we choose people who won't love us just to play the same story. Because the pain feels familiar. I think there is a great deal of information we can discover about ourselves after failures. When we fail over and over again, we will start putting some questions. Is it always me, is it always them? Where is the solution, where is the way out? What should I understand from the silent pain? What's the lesson? What do I have to change about myself?

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There will always be seasons. Spring doesn't last forever but neither does autumn. There is beauty in understanding that you were not wanted or loved. Because you can let go. You can accept being rejected and that's ok. It takes a lot of experience and pain to understand a simple principle: you can't force people to respect you, love you, want you. You can't make them good. You can't change them or make them see your side of the truth. You can only take them as they are or learn to let go. Some people will never be ready for a person like me or you. Some will.

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Perfectionists have a hard time with letting go. It's a form of art and failure is my private teacher. I used to dread failure, now I take it and use it. I'm currently still learning and I'm happy that just like with sadness, happiness also comes in seasons... If I was able to offer love, kindness and understanding to the wrong person at the wrong time, imagine turning the page and actually offering the same package to someone ready to receive and commit. Making the same gestures of love towards someone who will appreciate and understand me. Because I am ready. Because they are ready. For you, for love, for being vulnerable, for growing, for leaving the nest, for creating a family, for spreading their wings towards new territory, for making mistakes and correcting them in a mature way. You find them ready, you don't force it. We become ready in our own rythm and it starts with being honest with ourselves.

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It's not as much as people rejecting you as much as you making the choices which brought you there. You can't enjoy the gift of love if you're not ready to receive it. You can't enjoy autumn if you don't have a vision of things to come. And for visions to come we have to change the glasses through which we perceive reality.

Have a gorgeous day and toodle loo!

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