On today’s Wednesday walk, I felt a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I sighed with relief, taking in the chilly sunset and the playfulness of the dogs. There is no doubt that nature is the best witness to our deep reflections.
For instance, when my mind spirals into all the what-ifs and should, the wind carries it all away. When my mind couldn’t escape a labyrinth of trauma, the grassy floor would melt my mental walls.
This time, my mind thought about meeting with Kate, my younger sister, and how we are healing healthily.
Our weird and loving relationship
We’ve been joined at the hip since day one. I was two years older than her, but that age gap didn’t really mean anything when we were old enough to play. We’d be partners in crime but also be each other’s caregivers.
Essentially, we grew up loving each other the best way we could – but it wasn’t enough to escape our childhood’s darkness. It wasn’t even enough to shield us from adopting the toxic traits of our environment.
While I was manipulative, needy, and overbearing, Kate was temperamental, distant, and detached. Loving became hard, and life threw us for a loop many times, yet we’re still trying to keep a close relationship.
Our distance grew farther
In 2021 and 2022, we were pushed to be cast away from each other in a series of unfortunate events. It was the most heartbreaking time of my life – recalling it still brings me to tears.
In the end, she was young, so she stayed home while I moved out. It’s almost a year since the hardest separation happened.
You might be wondering how we are now; well, safe to say that we’re on the path to healing!
We saw each other last Feb 23, Thursday, since she was outside buying her school shoes. At that time, I was processing my registration at BIR and just about to finish. She texted me her location and I replied that I would be there soon.
Meeting her was a breath of fresh air! Rather than being weighed down by our shared traumas, we laughed about how the universe blessed her that week. I was looking at her, eyes gleaming with joy, a sight I’d been waiting to see for a long time.
Going back to my therapy
Our whole encounter reminded me of my honest confession to my therapist: I am grieving for losing my sister’s emotional support.
(doggos playing with the kid)
We were each other’s best friends. We were roomies. We were the sister duo who never left each other’s side. But she had to protect herself from emotions other than her own. Including mine.
And I felt abandoned, but I also felt extremely guilty about abandoning her.
Later on I realized that I failed to acknowledge that I had to emotionally "clock out" too for my safety – because I was hurt too. Our family situation was escalating, and my life was truly endangered. And I coped by running away from the source of the pain.
I tried to make it up to her and apologized several times, but I learned to accept that I did what I could and that it was more than enough. I need to forgive myself for the things I couldn’t do because I’m only human.
And we talked about my therapy progress, sharing I was on the way to forgiving myself, which she both admired and aspired to do.
"Are you happy we're talking like this?" I asked.
"Yes! I'm proud of us!" she said.
Healing is complex
Guess what? She slept over at the apartment for two nights! While we were getting ready for bed, I remember looking at her, feeling unreal and giddy. It was so nostalgic to remember how we always slept on the same bed; now, we’re all grown up.
I couldn’t believe that our whole traumatic ordeal finally feels like it is ending. Kate being at peace in the apartment motivated me to give her her home.
Perhaps being in Hive could help me fulfill that dream – building a safe space for my sisters and me. I'm so thankful I could share my reflections here and have a walking space to release it.
ᴬˡˡ ᵖʰᵒᵗᵒˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵐⁱⁿᵉ ᵘⁿˡᵉˢˢ ˢᵗᵃᵗᵉᵈ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳʷⁱˢᵉ
