Parenting is Hard
Image Source: Dall-E
For anyone who isn't a parent I'll give you a little tip. Being a parent is hard work. There is no instruction manual, there are lots of cultural expectations, everyone has an opinion on correct parenting but every child is different. What works for one child may be totally wrong for another. Plus you are a parent for a lifetime.
To make things even harder the role changes over time just as your children do.
Now as an adult time doesn't seem to change as fast as it does for children. I'm much the same today as I was a decade ago. Yes, I learn and adapt. Yes my body gets more aches, pains, and wrinkles every year. However, compared to the changes that have occured with my children in the past 10 years my changes are nothing.
However, seeing a child change and changing my parenting style along the way is something very difficult. The biggest change was when my children became teenagers. The son who told me I was like "a walking Google search" went on to tell me that "I was an idiot and go back to my Dragon Wife".
Seeing such a radical change in the child was heartbreaking especially when I didn't know where my loving child went and where this belligerent monster came from. Luckily my church had a program on dealing with teenagers which helped me immensely and helped me reflect on my journey to adulthood as well.
The Conductor
This is easily the best part of having children. They are young and they need you. When they are infants they need you for everything. When they get older they need you to tie their shoes, make their food, get them to school, and generally conduct them in everything they do.
My mom was a great source of advice at this age. She got me where I needed to go on time. She enrolled me in classes to try and make me more developed. Swimming lessons in Williams Lake certainly helped me with a lifelong skill. Most importantly she took me to church and helped me become the Christian I am today. She provided for me, looked after me, guided me, and made sure I knew I was loved. No small task for a single mother of two trying hard to make ends meet on a very small wage.
The Coach
Once kids hit about 12 or 13 (depends on the child) they become much more self aware and independent. They start wanting to distance themselves from their parents. They start listening to their peers and friends far more than their parents. Parents still think of the child as "their baby" and keep trying the Conductor approach telling the kids what to do and how to act.
What's the result? Rebellion
Sometimes the rebellion is overt and sometimes more muted. My mom insisted I not play Dungeons and Dragons when I was a teenager. Of course as any good teenager would do I ignored her and hid my playtime from her. With my kids I tell them not to do something and they do it anyways.
Image of the Players Guide my mom hated from ShanePlays website
What I didn't realize was as they get older the job goes from conducting their life to coaching it. Give the children direction, values, and guidance but then sending them out to do things on their own. Sometimes they will do well, sometimes they will fall flat on their faces. Whatever the outcome a good coach praises the wins, teaches on the fails, then gives guidance and sends them out again.
That was a hard lesson for my wife and I. Sending out children out into the world and not being able to protect them all the time. It's horrible. Now that I look back on it though, I'm so glad we did. Both of our children are more capable because of it.
With my mom and I? Well, I was always told to "Obey my parents" which I did as dutifully as I could while still trying to be my own person. That ended up with me making a poor decision by doing what my mom told me to do.
When I graduated from High School I graduated top of my class and University seemed like the obvious choice. My mom pushed me to go to "Trinity Western University" and I followed her advice. Overall it was a poor decision.
From Trinity Western University Website
Is Trinity Western University a good school? Absolutely. Did I enjoy my time there Absolutely. Would I recommend it as a good school to go to? Yes. Mostly...
The problem with the school is that it is a Private University. As a privately funded university it was about 4x as expensive as a public university. My best friend (and 2nd smartest in our school) was given a presidents entrance scholarship which allowed him free university for as long as he maintained good grades. For me I was paying thousands annually. After two years I simply did not have enough money to continue and my parents were broke so they couldn't help me continue my schooling.
My mom wanted to keep me "safe" at a Christian University. I do not blame her for her direction. However, if I chose the public university I would have graduated many years earlier with much less debt. I would have matured faster and generally been more successful. Probably there are no guarantees in life and who knows exactly what would have happened.
The Advisor
Ideally this is the best place for a parent to be after time. My mom is still my mom. I know she loves me and if I ask her for advice she has a long life of experience to draw on and always has my best interests in heart. I know that she will always give me the best advice she can.
In the same way my oldest son is a strong independent man. He is capable of making his own decisions and following his own path in life. However, I think he knows that I love him, I have a wealth of life experience, and will always try my best to give him good advice.
My son will sometimes come to me for advice. I give it freely and in the end he may take it and he may not. Keeping the bond of love open but also seeing my son succeed as his own man. Awesome feeling.
Still scary when I think of how wrong things can go. But...compared to "helicopter parents" who are still trying to conduct their adult kids lives? I'm so glad that isn't me.
Responsibility
In the end it comes down to responsibility. Every decision comes with consequences. It doesn't matter if its a big decision or a small one there are always consequences.
When children are small we make the decisions for the children and they suffer or benefit from the consequences of those decisions.
Right now my younger son wants to buy a car. He is looking at every car make and model and asks my opinions on them. After 6 months of looking he is telling me "You always say bad things about every vehicle". I tell him there is no perfect vehicle, every one has potential for issues. You have to make your own decision on what to buy and You will have to live with the consequences. Teaching a child to look at responsibility seriously and be able to accept the consequences is huge.
My mom chose my University and I reaped the consequences.
It would have been so much better if I chose the University and accepted the consequences because then I wouldn't have to look back a mistake not of my making.
Just my quick thought.
I'm always open to feedback :)