The Big Red Sign.

I got a question last week Thursday on Whatsapp and the question says, "what's my take on a toxic relationship? When to leave such a relationship?" It took me till Saturday to see the message as I have been busy and didn't see it on time. I realized the sender was working on something about the topic and needs my input. So I gave my opinion in a short way and here is what I said about the question:

^{Toxic relationship is a big red sign that someone has to end as soon as possible to one's detriment. When you are in a relationship that does not give you joy, but makes you sad always. When a relationship makes you feel you are the one committing to it more than the other partner. When the relationship makes you feel you are the one with the problem every time and your partner gaslights you. When the relationship involves a lack of trust especially from your partner, then these are signs that you are in a toxic relationship and should leave immediately.}

There are a series of toxic relationships that I have heard of and seen and it makes me sad to see the victim being treated in such a way as if he or she isn't a human being. Many people take others for granted and because of how they see you, especially when they see you cannot defend yourself or are too committed to loving them, they start to use that on you and maltreat you. Instead of the victim moving away and calling it the end, they'd rather give the excuse that they love him or her, and so, they cannot leave. Some will even start explaining how they committed to the relationship and made the other person who he or she is, and for that reason, they won't step out no matter how badly they are treated, they keep enduring until the worse happens. Who then would be blamed at the end of the day? The dead is gone while the one who caused it moves on with his or her life.

Something I love hearing and advising people is that you can never change someone. If you are in a relationship with the purpose of wanting to change your friend, partner or anyone, there is nothing you can do. If you cannot tolerate them, the best option is to leave them, especially when you have tried to call them for a change and they aren't doing anything to turn a new leaf. A man who keeps beating a lady while still in courtship will never change when they get married. This is one reason for the saying that what you will not accept or allow when you are rich, you start rejecting them while being poor. This means that, if you aren't comfortable with the behaviour of your partner, it's either you start telling him or her now before you get married and things get worse. When you notice your partner keeps yelling at you, screaming at you, beating you, causing you pain and sadness, etc, it is better to step out of such a relationship before it is too late.

I don't think I can classify my relationships with people, or family as being toxic because things haven't gone beyond what I wouldn't be able to control. Even though I have been in relationships that never lasted, they aren't something toxic to me, but seeing and hearing people's stories has helped me curtail some behaviours I wouldn't want to see and determine to be careful when entering any relationships as I wouldn't want anything that will cause my joy and happiness to disappear, thereby making me regret.

I had a friend during my NCE days then. It got to a point, I thought she was bewitched by the said boyfriend because she never stopped going to him despite the guy's constant beating, cheating and controlling her as if he had all authority over her. This girl seems not to let her eyes be opened to face the reality that the guy wasn't meant for her, but the love she had for him according to what she told me was something she never had for any other guy except him. On so many occasions, she would cry to me pleading I should follow her to beg the guy because she doesn't know what she has done again. This is after seeing marks on her body and her face swollen up. She refused to say anything to other people except to me because she believed the guy respected me and would listen when I talk to him.

I will do what she want and would follow her to the guy's house while I became the middle person in their relationship. After listening to the guy, it was obvious this lady did nothing but he was only taking advantage of her for the fact that he knew she loved her so much and would do anything to win his love. This guy, undeniably was a violent guy and also an abuser.

There were times I would call my friend and warned her to leave this guy alone because a man who has started laying his hands on you while still dating will continue when you both get married and by then, the story would change because you wouldn't want to leave for the fear that people will talk and you will live to bear the cross forever. You wouldn't want to become a single mother to your children or would you? I would talk to her and she would agree to leave but surprisingly, she would go to him telling me he had changed. I would smile and keep watching, waiting for the day she would cry again to me while I carry my body to beg again. It got to a point, I told my friend I was tired and had to shout at her one day that she needs to open her eyes, this guy doesn't love her. What does she want to hear again?

Well, in the end, we fought and our relationship ended till we graduated and went our separate ways. It was after many years, she requested to be my friend on Facebook and after talking, she told me she had left him alone and is now in a real relationship.

I learnt many lessons from my friend's toxic relationship and used that as a guide to mine. Aside from understanding that you cannot change a person, when your partner has started trying to lay his or her hand on you, then you should know your way out immediately because if you decide to endure or pretend it never occurred, this will happen over and over again until they are already used to it and this takes away your happiness. When you are in a relationship and seeing the signs of what I mentioned above, then it is time to say goodbye before it gets deeper and becomes too late.

Thanks for your time on my blog.