The days leading to my thesis defence were long, hectic and worrisome. Of course, this won't be the first time I will be defending a project in front of a packed audience. But, this time, it was different.
The first time I faced a difficulty with defending school stuff was during my I.T defence. Where I interned, I worked away from the department that was related to my course of study. Though I interned in the Operations Department of a depot, as a Chemist I should've been stationed in the laboratory where work on the physical and chemical properties of petroleum products being brought into the state is tested for authenticity.
Even though I spent time at the lab, it was not regular enough for me to fully understand what was happening over there. To worsen the situation, when I wrote my IT report, 85% of my activities were what I supposedly did at the lab. So when it was time to defend what I wrote in the report, I developed cold feet.
Luckily for me, the IT defence was done in a small office. The lecturers present were just three and by the time I was summoned, they were looking tired and jaded. All they asked was basic petroleum chemistry stuff. They never asked about the technicalities of the work I reported I did. I was lucky; I survived that day.
The next time I had to face the audience as per school stuff was during my undergraduate project defence. This time, the lecturers present were about 10 and they all looked menacing. However, our project was a group one. About 10 of us worked on the same topic.
So, when it was time to defend the project, 10 students were standing right in front of the lecturers. And with other students waiting for their chance to present their works, each of us was given just about one minute to speak on the joint project. In fact, the questions asked didn't go round, thus, I had a hassle free project defence.
Though those two periods of escapism looked to be in my favour, it was in fact against me as I would find out in the nearest future. That nearest future arrived in the form of my thesis defence.
Due to some unpleasant circumstances, my result wasn't where I wanted it to be for the program and the hefty units of my project is my last hope of getting out with a respectable grade. The situation was clear to me: I either have an A in the 12 unit project or count my time over there as another waste of time. That reality heightened my fears to unprecedented levels.
My case wasn't helped when I learnt the external supervisor coming to evaluate me was a no nonsense professor from UI. It just felt like the whole world was conniving against me. And knowing that I was never an eloquent speaker only added to my problems.
Two days to my defence and I looked like a walking ghost. Fear had gripped me so badly that I could barely do anything right. At that point, my intelligence got relegated; fear took full control of me. That was how it was until I woke up in the middle of the night and told myself the honest truth: I either kill that fear right there or the fear will kill me before the project defence.
I stood up in anger and asked myself honest questions. Do I know what to say during the defence? The answer was yes. Are my research results accurate enough? Once again, yes. Am I confident in my ability to defend this research? The answer was a resounding yes. So, what's the basis of my fear? Not scoring an A. Then I asked, will scoring a B signify the end of my life? The answer was a no. So why was I trying to kill myself all because of nothing? For a while I was quiet and felt dumb.
Immediately, I got my printed thesis copy, stood in front of the mirror and defended my research to myself. By the time I was done, I heaved a sigh of relief. My fear dissipated and I never got to worry about it again.
When I entered the hall to defend my thesis on the D-day, I was brimming with confidence. I did my part, scored the grade I wanted, celebrated with my family and promised never to let fear direct my life ever again. Since then, whatever challenge that comes my way, I tackle it head on. I'd rather spend my time finding solutions to my problems than to spend it waiting for the worst that may never happen.
I conquered my fears; conquer yours.
