Everything seemed to have gone awry after my only sibling's passing and I lost total control. Let me say I drifted away from life and everything that made it meaningful. I spent more time alone, looking for answers, looking for anyone who was going through what I was going through, but it's lonely and when you become lonely in your pain, it's become a miry place..... tough to get out of.
To be honest, I've lived recklessly, and it only took the loss of my only family to realize that I've been living recklessly, without checks and cautions. I cannot justify some of my previous actions, but they're beginning to haunt me, and one of them has been totally ignoring my health. I won't say I did that on purpose. Sometimes, the frailty of my health equals that of my mental strength, when one thing goes wrong, a lot of things happen too.
It's like a snowball effect, and the fear of listening to doctors or hearing them talk about my body and what could potentially happen made me stay away from hospitals. However, I've recently begun to go, and to be very honest, I've not caught a break. In one month, I've done numerous assessments, and most of the things I feared manifested the way I feared them. I'm currently ill at the moment, but I still have a lot of numerous hospital/specialist appointments.
The thing is that a lot of things have gone wrong, things I could have taken care of if I wasn't running away from the hospital, but it was worth it. I've lived in total peace for a long time, and I've enjoyed the tranquility of not wanting to know if anything was wrong with me. It's quite a different experience from having medications with crazy side effects, bleeding gums, and numb legs and hands.
It's been entirely unwholesome, and some of the assessments I've done have shown that I have neglected a lot of things for too long. I did that because of trying to avoid living like this. In one month, I've lost weight, lost blood, and now trying to recover from looking pale. I haven't lost that much weight in two years, this is because it's apparent I have to stop eating the things I used to. I'm a place of uncertainty, and so many things have gone wrong with me.
Talking about them would be futile and useless, as it wouldn't really matter anymore. One thing I know is that I'm fatigued, and my physical strength does not match my mental capacity, because of the exhaustion. It's a lonely place to be in, and this is the most painful part. These pain, these medical conditions, and these illnesses are strange and new to me, I don't see anyone relating, and it's the silent mode I had to activate that's burning me from within.
I try to live with it, but it makes life generally meaningless. Trying to even compare makes it hard, it makes life unfair. I didn't care to lose, but the greatest loss is losing the people who could potentially bear your burden in times like this. I have taken to my knees, prayers are the only thing that brings comfort, it's probably because crying and talking about your pain to Him who truly understands is the only thing that can be truly soothing. I can't talk about the things that have taken a dent in my life, but for someone who hasn't prioritized wellbeing, I guess, what was I expecting?
A lot of rhetorical questions in my mind. I don't want to keep thinking about the worst, because it's such a bad place. Things have gone wrong. The doctor (s) report is not good, looking at them from some realistic point of view, but then thinking about them will not change them either. I've lost weight a lot, and to be honest, I don't know what's causing it. I woke this morning, trying to reflect, and think about my life.
I can't control what's been damaged, but I sure don't know what to do either, what to expect, and the fear of Uncertainty. I hate uncertainty, and it's such an antithetical place to be in. I didn't really talk about what is wrong, but, I'll just stop here, my mind is empty now, and I just want to keep going, and see how far I can.
Interested in some more of my works
