Some friendships hold their importance, even when physical distance means it has been years since you’ve been in the same room together.
You have an unspoken bond, forged by the memories you share. So that you are each forever special in the other’s life.
In 1998 I took a 39 day bus tour all across Europe. The trip changed my life and is a defining part of my identity. 25 years on and I am still super close to the people who shared this adventure with me.
One of these people was Carl from Cape Town.
Truth be told, Carl and I were more than friends on the trip. 😇 But in the years since, we both found and married our people, he had a couple of kiddos, and our friendship has remained.
In 2009 we reunited in London along with two other friends from our 1998 trip. I met Carl’s sister, her fiancé, his wife to be. We all had a fabulous night out on the town and it felt like no time had passed since our adventures on the bus 11 years earlier.
In 2013 we got together again. This time in Paris! We met at the Eiffel Tower. Me, Carl, another friend from our tour, all of our spouses, babies and Carl’s mom.
However, under all of those Parisian smiles, not all was well. In 2010, Carl suffered a series of seizures. They were the first sign of a growing cancer in Carl’s brain. At the time doctor’s told him his life expectancy might be 5-15 years.
Over the last decade, Carl had several surgeries, several courses of chemo, several rounds of radiation and more seizures. We would usually chat every few months. Sometimes my messages would find him in a good place health wise. Sometimes our chats would happen in the midst of a new course of chemo.
During covid/2020 our tour group had a zoom reunion! Some folks hadn’t seen one another in 22 years. We had people calling in from all time zones of the US and Canada, folks from Australia, New Zealand and South Africa. I think I was up at 4am to be there. It was fun, hilarious, heart warming and nostalgic. We even talked about picking somewhere in the world to all meet for a 25th reunion.
Mid April after my aunt’s brain cancer diagnosis, I reached out to Carl. I hadn’t realized until then, that we hadn’t been in touch for more than a year. Part of me was just checking in. Part of me was hoping he would have some insight on how to best support my aunt.
He never replied to my message, and it was never marked as seen. I began to worry something was wrong. I rechecked the message every few days to see if it had been read.
Carl passed away today. I saw it in my Facebook newsfeed when his friends in Cape Town started posting condolences. I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken my friend is gone. I am heartbroken for his mother to have lost her youngest child. I can’t imagine the pain his wife must be feeling. Having her person gone and having to tell their boys about their dad’s passing. It is so unfair that their boys (oldest 11 and youngest just turned 9 yesterday) have been cheated out of a lifetime with their dad.
Carl would find my grief over his passing stupid. He LOVED life. He lived for his family. He had so many friends from every stage of his life and really enjoyed them. Like me, they completely adored him.
Carl was tall, handsome and could do a spot on “blue steel”. When his hair went prematurely grey we called him the silver fox. He was a dancing maniac and would go all out in costumes for any theme party. Carl was a big fan of pink shirts and was still popping collars well into the 2000’s. We would jokingly call him “bitter Carl” on tour because he would always complain if his room was shit or because the Americans got free sleeping bags on our trip while the South Africans did not. (PS - His oldest son totally has the “bitter Carl” face when he is cranky.) Being a bit of a flirt, Carl always responded the fastest to my messages that contained some kind of dirty joke or innuendo.
He told me once that his memory was getting worse because of the tumors. I promised that I would never forget him. Even if I lived to 90 and he did not. I guess the positive thing about a prolonged illness is you have time to say all of the things.
I hope his passing was peaceful. I hope his family were all by his side. I hope he felt loved in his last days and moments.
Rest in peace my dear friend. I will never forget you. 🩷🩷
