What does it take to be a man?
This evening I eavesdropped on a conversation between two friends of mine about a man who relocated his family abroad while he remained in the country, "enjoying his life." The story triggered the memory of my father who left his family for over a decade in search of greener pastures overseas.
My dad was never really around (okay, this is going to make me seem like I have daddy issues. Maybe I do). But he did all he could to make sure that we had a comfortable life. Being an adult responsible for the family now, I know how difficult that was for him.
However, his duty took him away from us. Out of all my siblings, I would say I am the only one who experienced the depth of his love and affection. Others just had snippets of him. They do not know him as I did and it is quite unfortunate.
This evening I found myself asking, "Is this all it means to be a man?" I don't know about other parts of the world, but where I come from, a man is judged by his ability to provide (for his family). For me, knowing I can take care of my family is the most important thing in my life. I dare say it is my life.
However, there should be more to love than duty. I have always said that when I become a father I would have more time for my kids, which brings me to today's topic--living vicariously through our kids.
My partner and I were having a conversation recently and she mentioned how her greatest fear is not being able to take good care of her kids or affording them the life they deserve which stems from her own neglect as a child.
The problem with our idea of a parent is that it stems from a place of lack and insecurity. In most cases parents who try to use their kids as guinea pigs to resolve their childhood trauma or neglect tend to overcompensate and overprotect, making silly mistakes that might cost them their relationship with their kids or wards.
I noticed this pattern in my mum's relationship with her niece--my cousin--who lived with us for some time. In her bid to protect her niece from making the same mistakes she made, my mum spoiled their relationship. It was out of love but deeply rooted in her trauma.
Your child's needs are not yours.
This might be a bitter pill for every aspiring parent. Your child is not the younger version of yourself that needs healing and acceptance (you can get that somewhere else). They will come with their peculiar needs and your duty as a parent is to spot them.
No one has the perfect manual for parenthood. Chances are that you are going to mess up, more than you can ever imagine and your kids will forgive you for your flaws because at some point in their lives they will realize that you are as clueless as they are.
The greatest sacrifice.
Ever since my father passed on my mum has been living through and for us. I cannot blame her, even I do the same thing. There is just something about being responsible for other people that makes you blind to your own needs.
Love is the greatest sacrifice, one we can afford too. As parents/guardians, we need to also remember that our needs and wants are valid too. I would appreciate it if my mum could forget about us a little and do something selfish for herself, like seeing someone else or even wanting to take a vacation.
I tell my partner that when we start having kids we will not lose ourselves. We will constantly fight for ourselves and make sure we remain a priority to ourselves as well as our little ones. We can try at least. There is no guarantee or whatsoever.
In conclusion, these are just my thoughts on parenthood. I will also appreciate it if parents here share their experiences and thoughts on the matter. Thank you.
POST BANNER
My name is Chinonso Ekpemandu. I am a digital nomad. I create opinion pieces and share my life's journey on a decentralized platform called hive, whilst exploring the digital landscape for opportunities.
Below are links to some of my recent posts:
Below are links to some of my recent posts:
CONTACT AND SUPPORT
Discord: nonsowrites#0031
Twitter: iAM__NONSO
Telegram: @nonsowrites
BSC wallet: 0x88B30Cfe2cC50c84A673E7e0befF6b865D362E01
Bitcoin Address: bc1qprsj8vk576nev278ymqnxuc67vredaz0wjxymp
THINGS I HAVE LEARNT FROM BEING A COMMUNITY LEADER
MOVIE REVIEW: SWALLOW
INVESTMENT GOALS FOR OCTOBER
NIGERA: THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
CONTACT AND SUPPORT
Discord: nonsowrites#0031
Twitter: iAM__NONSO
Telegram: @nonsowrites
BSC wallet: 0x88B30Cfe2cC50c84A673E7e0befF6b865D362E01
Bitcoin Address: bc1qprsj8vk576nev278ymqnxuc67vredaz0wjxymp