Hi everyone and welcome to the third edition of the Adventures from a lifetime of staring at swidis. I'm your host with the hoes, Nevies the not-novice 😉, the eyes of Horus looking at the ass of whore-rus (yes not a real word, Captain Obvious 🙄. Atleast I'm trying to make a rhyme, what have you done for the world recently yourself?).
This is a series where I give situation reports about things that transpire as I go about my daily life simply being a gentleman, walking upright, breathing in air, keeping an open mind like they say in the philosophy books and finally keeping an open eye that just happens to take in so many girls.
Here's the intro to the series:
I'm assuming by now everyone knows I'm like most modest gentlemen out there, which means everyone knows that quite like everybody else I breathe through my nose, eat through my mouth and like me some girls 😀.
There are a lot of things I want to do with these girls, naturally, and once in a while I'm lucky enough to do it with them, other times I'm stumbling and rolling on the ground from hitting the many obstacles that stand between me and doing the happy things I want to do with these girls. But there's one thing that is the easiest to do, this one thing that every gentleman like myself dearly love to do, this one thing that never fails us, this one thing that is always readily available to be done if you quite want to. That one thing is: looking at girls!
It never fails. All you need to do is go where girls could be found, or simply go about your daily business in society, keeping an open heart and an open eye and you'd get to absorb all the beauty, hills and plains, curves and edges these ladies drag along with them.
There are studies (you can check one out here), that prove that staring at women can be very beneficial to men's lifespans and health. Now I'm an honest man, I'm not trying to pretend like this study is the reason why I stare at girls, I had been staring at girls years before the people who carried out this study were even born, but I'm bringing this study up so that you can look at me and be proud of me for the great work I'm busy doing on my health and lifespan instead of doing drugs and ruining my life. You see?
So in my day to day quest to staying a model young man by improving my health in this way, I do have some adventures (Funny how I didn't have to become an archeologist in the end in order to have my fair share of adventure in this life). I've decided I start sharing my adventures, observations and stories with the rest of the world, who knows I might end up inspiring people to be healthier and lead better lives. With that I welcome you all to the brand new series tittled:
Adventures From a Lifetime of Staring at Girls
In case you didn't already realize it, this series is like what they do on #exhaust and #actifit, it is all a means to promote healthy living by documenting our healthy activities. Before you object, remember the studies that show that staring at swidis is healthy living? Alright, don't argue with scientists and experts okay?
I'm going to be separating these different adventures/stories and calling them 'Reports' for organizational purposes like I always do. Each adventures post would typically have many reports so it would never be too brief.
Alright, here we go for the third edition!
This report is about the unifying power of booty. It is about how booty unifies us. It can be called 'Booty: The Great Unifying Factor.'
Some of you might not know what in the bloody hell I'm talking about, but I tell you, booty is a great unifying factor. If you really live this gentlemanly lifestyle of continuously assessing booties as you go about your daily life you'd come to find out what I'm talking about. You'd come to find that booty can bring two strangers together and make them brothers for life. For example: one day on the street some girl passed by with a booty that was on such fire! I did like a gentleman does and followed that booty with my eyes until it was out of sight. When she was gone, I turned, looked around and saw some other guy close by who just finished looking at that booty like I did, he looked at me like he wanted to exchange thoughts with me about that booty. You know? Just like they do in book clubs where people read the same book and share their thoughts about it. I connected with him immediately, it was like we had known each other our whole lives! I drew a little closer and said to him:
'I'd be honest with you, brother, that was one hell of a booty!'
He laughed and replied:
'I couldn't agree more, friend.'
We shook hands, laughed and analysed that booty some more. And that was it, me and this guy became friends! Just like that. You see the unifying abilities of booty? And I would even tell you more, this friendship proved to be very useful to me in future as in one of the following days my wallet fell off my pocket while I was walking alone on the road and guess who alerted me? This new friend of mine! He was across the street and he called to me and let me know quickly to turn around and pick up my fallen wallet. You see? It all started from simple booty watching, and we were now like brothers in arms! Two random fellows brought together by the unifying efficacy of bootey.
Another unifying experience was one day, I visited a small bar in some neighbourhood a little far away from mine. The booty of the woman who served the drinks was on narcotics! I looked around and there was this man close by looking at me and looking at the booty too with me. I ignored the grumpy look on his face and felt he wanted to connect with me on some brotherly level. I leaned a little towards his side and assured him that:
'Truth be told, that booty is on hard drugs, damnit!'
The man shrugged reluctantly and said he couldn't agree more. I slowed down because I myself couldn't help but disbelieve him since he said it so reluctantly and grumpily. I told him:
'You say you agree but I can't help noticing some hard feelings in your expressions. That booty is first rate, I wonder what further convincing you might require to agree with me.'
He retorted angrily:
'That is my wife, you fool!'
Ah, I got it now. That was his wife. Okay, that's why he wouldn't appreciate me assessing her booty in anyway. I didn't like the bad blood/tension this had created between us, since I'm a jolly good gentleman. So I apologized to him.
'I'm sorry, Sir, I had no idea. Pardon me. I reckon I should use this opportunity to let you know that you're a very lucky man.'
He smiled, shook my hands and it was over. We were now friends, and the next time I came to this bar he invited me to the back for some free bottles of beer. It was all unifying, even though his inviting me to the back was a trap, even though he and some of his guys behind were going to mug me because, as he said, he had seen me analysing his wife's booty with a new brother in arms on this second occasion of my visit; even though I barely escaped with my life and was very lucky to NOT take any beating at all from these men due to my fast feet. Irrespective of all these it was all still unifying because. 👀 - umm.. because, umm... Well, forget it, things went wrong this time but how about all the other times booty unified? Its still a unifying factor.
This report can be called 'Of Insecure Girlfriends'.
Back in the day I was dating this insecure girl. One day I met a friend of hers on the street and the friend sent her regards. When I now met my girlfriend I told her that her friend sends her regards. She asked me which of her friends, I didn't really know this friend's name, but I knew something even better; I knew this friend's booty. So I told my girlfriend:
'Umm, I can't recall her name, but it is the one with the round ass.'
My girlfriend glared at me and said:
'Oho, so you've been looking at her ass!'
'Well, of course. The skies would bear me witness that that is quite a worthy ass.'
She glared at me even more and wouldn't talk to me again. I myself was angry too, and spent the whole silent time wondering what the future holds for me if I continue dating a girl that gets angry when she finds out that I'm a good observer of my environment and as a result I notice the shapes of the booties of the people around me and things like that. For goodness's sake I went to school, I have an education! Some of the general courses we did in school defined themselves as the study of 'man and his environment'; wouldn't all that education and the years put into it be a waste if I turn out to be a poor observer of my environment?
As I still contemplated breaking up with this girl, we made up and were cool again, but soon her hatred for my observatory skills that I acquired after years of studies showed up again. This time in a most catastrophic way, you wouldn't believe it! We had both gone for a small show in the neighborhood, we were seated and watching the performances on the stage when that round assed friend of hers happened to be among the next dancers ushered onto the stage. I told her:
'Look it's your friend!'
She looked and reacted quite well and was smiling all the way till it got to a dance where the dancers turned their asses to the crowd and started shaking it like it was having a seizure. I looked on with rapt attention, honestly I had thought it was about time they turned their asses, they had been dancing all along facing us without showing us what they harboured behind them and I had waited for this u-turn for a long time now. As I looked on and enjoyed the view, my girlfriend looked at me, saw how happy I was and instead of being grateful to the universe that her boyfriend was enjoying himself, she used her palms to cover my eyes and said:
My God! I was hurt! I turned and looked at her like:
How could this girl be so antagonistic? So cruel!?
I stood up and walked away, some sad Adele song playing in the background.
Or hold up! I stood from some corner, watched the entire booty shaking dance to finish first, then I left, still sad. Slow Adele songs still playing in the background.
That's it y'all! End of the third edition. Watch out for more on this series, pls.
You can read the previous editions here:
Adventures From a Lifetime of Staring at Girls #1 and the second)