made on imgflip
What do you do if you're a barely operational human who aspires for a gold medal?
What if you run for a minute and google starts showing you pacemaker adverts?
What if the only fencing you know about is the dude selling Gucky and Brada watches from the back of his van?
What if your parents skipped swimming lessons knowing your fat ass will float on water?
Nobody believed in you and now you can't go to the Olympics...
...But there is hope
Let us start categories for unathletic, lazy couch onions, so we can also have shining gold medals instead of the gold covered chocolate you're hiding from your kids.
Binge Watching - A true test of stamina, endurance and how far humans can push the limit without witnessing actual sunshine.
Boss Bitching - A true teamwork sport that plays to everyone's snarkiness and keeps you mentally strong.
Dodging Relationships - A grueling sport often involving hurdles like your mom where participants avoid romantic entanglements through agility and under confidence.
Change hunting - You're craving a pizza, it's the end of the month, your eyes lock in the usual targets - the couch, your sweatshirt that you wore for the last week, washing machine and you find enough coins to give money to the delivery guy like a medieval landlord.
Sleeping Gymnastics - Contorting your body into mind-bending poses while sleeping and waking up to find yourself twisted like a pretzel, yes human bodies are such mysteries.