I always tell you that this is the loneliest time of the day because I'm still working and you're already sleeping. But I know that in the morning I'll be happy because we'll get to talk again. I didn't realize until the other day that you'll be sleeping forever. Because f*ck COVID.
I'm still waiting for message notifications. I'm still hoping you will reply...
We always have so much to share, all the details of every moment of our lives. The good, the bad, the painful. All of it. Lockdown, travel, isolation have all become bearable thanks to our conversations. Thanks to our friendship.
I hate that I couldn't fly to our city regularly as planned. I hate that we couldn't take more pictures of us together being so happy and having fun. I cherished every moment when we were together, of what little time we had.
See, there are not many people in my personal life who know about this blog. You took your time to read what I wrote here on Hive/Steemit. You said you like my writing and you were so proud of me when I was earning Bitcoin. You believe that someday I'll get rich, we'll be rich, drinking coffee in the most beautiful cities moving swiftly across the world without worries. We'll drink champagne by the beach and talk a lot about deep and even nonsense stuff for hours. Sadly, all of these will just happen in my dream. You will continue to exist in my mind.
We had our ups and downs only because we are real. Our friendship is not based on lie and pretense. We can be ourselves with each other even to the point of toxicity. I said unimaginable things to you. I hurt you and you hurt me back and the cycle went on. I blogged so many times about our friendship, about my own flaws, about my own dirt that you know so much. Nevertheless, you still accepted me and understood me. We always find our way back to each other with something new to learn about ourselves.
Our friendship survived time and distance. Even when I was still in South America, we were always talking and laughing our hearts out. You witnessed my whole adventure even behind the scenes that I didn't get to share with everyone else. I admired your strength when you worked 2 years on a contract as a Fashion Designer overseas while putting up with toxic colleagues and bosses. You made it and you came back here too. I wish I have that kind of strength.
You told me about your best friend who passed away. I felt it must have been so devastating to lose her. And now you are making me feel the same. I thought I could do without you. I tried so hard to replace you but I couldn't. Because you are right. "Good friends are hard to find".
I didn't go out of my way to find new friends or find someone here on this island. You know I tried but I failed. Nothing but disappointments with people. Because of course there's nobody like you here. You are irreplaceable. You are unique. We connect on a cellular level. And even if we fight at times because we get to say things so honestly to each other, I know deep down, we will always be okay again.
I told you lately that we are enough. Your friendship is enough. Your LOVE is enough. You always tell me that we don't need many friends or a romantic partner. Because who needs them? At the end of the day, you said that what we need in this life is a good wine, a good friend, sitting by the beach and watching the sunset. I still wish I could do this with you.
I am so hurt right now. My life has become emptier than ever. My life will never be the same again. I am so overwhelmed with grief, sorrow, and guilt.
Waking life is so hard. Writing about us makes me cry. I wish I can swim to the other side. I know we talked so much about NDE, afterlife and existentialism. I just hope that you could share what's "life like out there". Because I am so desperate to know... No secrets please.
I know I told you that when I die, you should compile my blog here and turn it into a book or something. I really wish I was the first to go because this is all too much for me to bear right now.
I couldn't make any decisions without asking your first. I was selfish and needy - and I am so sorry. You opinion matters so much to me. I wouldn't survive my travels or my island life without talking to you every single day. You were supportive of all my journeys. And I will never ever find anyone like you.
Nicky I am so sorry, I love you so much. I really do. Please let me know, in some way(even if it will scare me), that you still love me. I hope to see you again there, somewhere in the galaxies...No more pain.
R.I.P. to my best friend.
