I remember when I had the first glimpse of the love factor deep in my stomach. I was around 8 years old and I was spending my summer vacation in the countryside at my grandmother. I loved to run in nature and do all sorts of activities with my sister and cousin. Near grandma's house there was a family with 2 boys. The one I liked had blonde hair and blue eyes. He was quite a cutie. I remember liking him and never telling him that . At 8 years old I rationalized the love process, knowing that it would be an impossible lovestory as he lived there while I was in the city. That was my first experience of love and dealing with it: through my overly rational and logical brain. Typical Aquarius mentality some would say.
Now that I am 31 , soon to be 32 on february, I still don't get it why dating has become such a Golden Grail of successful lovestories. I understand the process but I admit that it is odd for me.
Why did we invent dating? I know many stories where the dating process went so good only to have a bad marriage after. I always thought that dating is about gathering data. Call me Mrs. Brains, but I strongly believe that picking the right partner is about science and logic, not only about the butterflies in the stomach.
I often feel that many people put on a show on dates. Let me show you the good stuff so you would be swept off your feet. I regard this as not being your true self. When the mask wears off you discover a totally different person. In fact, you finally get to look at the real one. The one who has been hiding under the dating facade.
The loved one should bring the best in you (if you have it ) and not make you wear a mask.
Let's take the dating apps. It is exhausting to swipe left and right and initiating small talk after small talk. Behind the screen anyone can be Prince Charming or Lady Diana. I rely mostly on face to face interaction. I find the online dating game futile and shallow. My most bitter and good life lessons came from being on those kind of apps. With the mind that I have now I would not even bother to open an account. I value my time and don't see why I should play hide and seek. An online app is useful if you meet the person soon after making contact. Otherwise you can spend weeks or months from your life building a fantasy image of the icon from the other side of the screen. Many online stories have hit the fan when the two met in real life. Time wasted and lesson learned right?
But if dating is not good, then what should I do to find the one? For example I am now oriented towards finding a husband material kind of a man.Women know what I mean: there are men meant to be lovers only while others can be husband and lover material too. The same goes for women. I would not try to find him as looking to work on myself and enlarge my social circle. Being in a book club or hiking club can give you better chances at meeting a potential suitable partner than making 10 accounts on random dating apps. Why? Because you narrow it down. If you know that you want a spiritual , outgoing and intelligent person, you know in what kind of environments you could find them.
We should replace dating with meeting. We should not put a label on interaction made with a romantic purpose because it gives the individual the feeling they should be putting on a show and dance like a kangaroo with golden feathers in order to impress. Nobody is capable of acting a role for years. The "jerk" that appears years later is the real person grasping for fresh air. We should be ourselves at all times. In any meeting. And from there relationships have room to grow into something more.
Do you know how it feels to be with someone who accepts you just as you are? If you like to be alone with yourself and you enjoy it then you know what I am talking about. The same should happen in love. Of course that like any other woman I love to be pampered, sometimes spoiled, hugged, cuddled and have my tantrums understood. But if someone has to put on a show to accept me then it is not worth it. What comes sincerely from the heart is what stays. This is why I look at dating as a gathering of data. Maintaining a successful marriage is about having common principles, ideas , ways of managing things. The reason why many hate each other in their marriage and still stay is because they fail to admit that they have made a bad choice. That they have picked an incompatible partner on the deep levels that should have been in sync. And they stay together because they refuse to admit it to themselves that they have made an error. You see, love is not about butterflies only. Those fly. Love is about the ability to build a happy family and grow together. If you are stagnant and your partner wants to explore and try new things and go out of their comfort zone....guess how it will play out. The stagnant ends up resenting the progressive one for wanting to defy the norms and do things differently while the progressive one starts to lose respect for the stagnant as they see him/her as a couch potato with no life goals. To be in love healthily is to be compatible at the core. This is where childhood education, love patterns and attachment styles intervene. This is the level of the true self. This is where mature love lies.
I do not judge people who try desperately to find a future wife or husband on dating apps. God knows I have been in that place, having many wishful thinking thoughts and being utterly hurt and disappointed after. I am grateful for all of the experiences though as they have prepared me to become the powerful woman that I am now. Your mindset shifts and changes after you realize that if you work a lot on yourself and on your own environment you increase your chances in love.
My idea of lasting amour is that love is
something based on common values and principles. The one detail that we often exclude or forget about is how do we proceed when we do meet a compatible partner. It is not enough to find the one, you must have the skills to know what to do when you finally meet. Many lovestories died in utero when one man or woman was blinded by emotions and lost their rational senses therefore they have made serious behavioral errors when meeting a potential good partner. Long story short: they blew it.
We are social creatures and I believe that we get to heal our own wounds in a relationship if it is a good one. Although the magical connection element and chemistry can't be ignored, I consider that for the long term the good foundation is more important than the fucsia carpet you might find attractive at the doorstep. Humans should be themselves in any interaction and give their best in everything. Putting on a show has been incentivized by dating apps where you get to lie in your bio and pretend you are someone that you are not. In the end we want to love somebody as their are as we want to be loved for what we are. Some called this dating, I decide to call it be the real you in everything you do.
Have a great day and toodle loo!