All I've had to eat today was seven beers a couple dozen cigarettes and a slice of pepperoni pizza from Domino's so you'll have to at least consider forgiving me for the fact that nothing in today's post is going to make a lick or even a quick peck of sense and definitely nowhere close to a french kiss of sense. On a scale of 1 to 10 the amount of sense I'm not making right now is an 11 and that doesn't even make any sense itself because that's not how scales work. It's like that time our boss walked in drunk off his mind and told us we'd all better give it our 110% today or he'd put all of our names up on the dartboard and start firing us three at a time till we got our act together. I took one look at him and said I'm gonna give you my two cents right now but only because that's all I've got left in my bank account and I'm so fucking over this job that I'm willing to wager it all on one final ferocious outburst, I said all I've got to give is 100% which is what I've always been giving you for about three months now but if you want I can call up my brother and see if he's got an extra 10% of himself lying around that I can borrow but I doubt he'll be interested in working for the shit wages you've been paying us. Then I struck preemtively before he landed a single dart by quitting on the spot. Two others took their exit with me middle fingers in the air all three of us and I heard the rest of the staff waited till the busiest point of the dinner rush then took off their gloves and walked off the line and shut the whole fuckin restaurant down with a line of customers right out the door. How did I get myself to where I am in this rant right now. What was I even talking about. Oh yeah—I'm hungry. Funny how you can just barf up 400 words of nonsense content on an empty stomach like that. Maybe the key to becoming a successful writer is to adopt the kind of diet your doctor says is going to kill you. Anyone want to buy this book I wrote about how you can transform your entire life just by throwing away everything in your fridge and pantry and following The Starving Artist Diet®? It's not just a fad I promise. Only $9.99. Free shipping. I'll even sign it. Anyone? No? Okay. I guess I'll just starve then.
But goddamn what I wouldn't fuckin give for just a lick or even a quick peck these days. I know a french kiss is probably too high of an order for a madman like me especially since pickings are so slim in these small mountain towns but you can't blame a guy for dreaming. Gimme some more of that soma so I can keep on dreaming. Life makes a lot more sense when you're always fucked up. Inflation is out of control, reservoirs are drying up, the Denver pigs are firing randomly into crowds now, Oklahoma is about to execute an innocent man, and the supreme court can't tell the difference between justice and the jizz stains on their robes. You know it's bad when the fuckwads who write the laws don't even try to hide their crimes anymore. Let me know if you want me to join your revolution, I'm 110% already there. All I've got is a fixed blade and a pistol and the unplumbed potential to not be a raging alcoholic anymore but if that's not enough to join your ranks I can also offer you the equivalent of several petajoules of pent rage, my own modern approach to berserkergang if you will. Also I'm generally just a really nice guy and I think we'll get along famously. Fuck the establishment. Kill everyone. Don't ever fuckin talk to me like that again or I will put you in the fuckin ground. Damn, this is definitely some of the best stuff I've ever written. Time to go update my Tinder bio.
Not gonna lie that's a hard act to follow. I think I just wrote myself into a corner. All I ever wanted was to compose poetry and pluck grapes while dancing naked through vineyards as a band of brass and strings and percussion played the praises of all my many brave adventures and exploits around the world. I think that's reasonable. Is that unreasonable? If that's unreasonable then that's news to me and also I don't want to hear it because fuck the news these days. You're a real buzzkill sometimes you know that right? I'd rather put that horrendous WAP video on repeat and let my eyes and ears bleed out for 10 hours straight than ever watch a single 30-minute segment from CNN or Fox ever again. Goddamn I'm hungrier than Twisted Sister right now. I think I'm gonna go order a pizza from Domino's. Everything's fine I'm just a little bit hungry that's all.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Liberty's dead—
Good luck to you.
But hey at least we still got pizza,
Pizza is great.
Thank God for pizza,
I'll take mine with grapes.
What's that Domino's?
You don't have grapes?
Well fuck you Domino's!
Why the fuck wouldn't you have grapes?
I need my pizza to have grapes on it!
Give me grapes or give me death!
If you won't give me that grapey shit,
Then I'm gonna start smoking meth!
Thanks a lot Domino's,
I'm a meth addict now!
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Cause I'm a meth addict and nothin rhymes with now!
It's your fault, it's your fault,
It's not my fault it's yours!
I can't think of anything that rhymes with fault either,
Cause I'm a terrible poet!
Here's a stanza about grapes—
It doesn't mean anything!
Just a stanza about grapes,
And I fuckin hate everything!
Fuck pizza, fuck roses,
And fuck violets too!
I hope that all of you die,
And I hope you die real soon!
I'm a really nice guy!
I swear to God I'm nice!
Just put the fuckin grapes on that goddamn motherfuckin pepperoni pizza I ordered,
And everything will be fine!
