I am scared. I can't hold it in anymore. I need to say it. Somewhere. Anywhere. I just need to let it out.
I am fucking scared.
I am terrified. My mind is scrambled. There is not a single drop of peace or calm within me. I am in a constant state of "Impending Doom".
By now you must very aware of the tension growing on the border of where I live. You know what the media is saying and how the political leaders of the world are dealing with it. What you don't know is how I, living a few kilometers away from that very border, am feeling.
I want to keep calm and wish for the best. But I simply cannot. I lived through the Revolution of 2014. When the city was deserted I stayed back and hoped for the best. Kharkiv was very calm compared to Kyiv. Nevertheless, the ATMs didn't work and there was a very limited supply of food in the stores. The restaurants didn't work either. Actually, most of everything was closed.
I still remember drinking water from the taps because there was no clean water being sold at the terminals for a few days. The tap water here isn't even safe to drink but I was left with no option.
WHAT IF IT HAPPENS ALL OVER AGAIN?
Unlike the past, this time seems a lot more serious. Aggressors are actually lining up at the border and the threats are real. According to a few news articles, if this thing blows up there'll be civilian casualties. The bloodshed will be on a massive scale.
There is no saying how far the troops will invade if they go through the decision to start invading. What I am sure of is that the aggressors will be faced with retaliation.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Everyone is trying to avoid the topic and act like the threat doesn't exist. I guess it helps make the threat feel more like fiction than reality.
I am trying to avoid talking about this to anyone here. I do not want to disturb anyone with my thoughts. They already must have a lot to think about and prepare for. I do not want to burden anyone with my emotions while they are dealing with theirs.
This happens almost every year
Whenever winter comes we get these threats. But it never escalated to this level. But now the threat is so real. I am not sure how to deal with this. I am trying to stay calm but my emotions are getting the best of me.
How can I abandon everything I have worked for? I am not ready to abandon everything. Losing everything I accomplished and accumulated here is just an airstrike away. Hell, they are just a stray bullet away from going down the drain.
There is always a heavy scent of uncertainty in the air. Threats or no threats. We are always expecting the worst here. I cannot live like this in fear. Living in fear isn't life. I really want peace and a chance of flourishing and doing the most I can without a big chance of a stray bullet taking it all away from me.
End of January. This is the date most news sources say things will go down. Just a few weeks from now. My life and everyone else's around me lie in uncertainty.
Even if nothing happens, when will the next threat come?
When is the next time our lives will be put on a stopwatch?
Every person I walk by, everyone I talk to, I try to look for confidence in their eyes. A sign of assurance. I have heard the hopeless voices poorly camouflaged in an unconfident "nothings gonna happen". But we don't know the whole story even if we live a drive away from the border. The people who know what actually is happening will never let the public know the truth.
The thought of living in rubble. Losing everything. Seeing people around me cry. Losing loved ones. Losing what we have built. All the things that can go wrong. It is really fucking annoying to live with these thoughts.
The uncertainty is killing me.
All I can think of is what is going to happen. I can only hope things calm down. But that is just hope.
I hope the people around me are taking it better than I am. Maybe they know something I do not and that actually helps them be more confident in a brighter future.
I have lived among the people of Ukraine for almost a decade now. I believe in their confidence and the heart of lions they have in their chests. I have seen this country grow in the last few years. Economically, spiritually, and in strength. I have fallen in love with this city and the people here.
I sincerely hope we will walk out of this happily. I want to come back 10 years later and find this post on the blockchain and laugh at how much of a scaredy-cat I was.
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