I still had all my belongings. The apartment was ok. The neighborhood was scary at night and there was absolutely nowhere to park after 4 in the afternoon. I couldn’t leave unless someone came and picked me up. There wasn’t anybody. I kept trying to figure out something fun to do. The things I used to do. There just wasn’t anyone to call or go anywhere with. Fast forward. The apt was sold and I had to move again. Couldn’t find a place. Finally got one. It fell through and had 3 days to vacate. Got a tiny place for me my mother and my nephew. I had to let all my belongings go to the dump. Everything. Since then I don’t recognize my life. I can no longer play guitar. Watch movies on tv. Have no friends to visit or go somewhere with. The only thing I have is my very old camera and lens and an iMac I bought from selling my music gear at a huge loss. I’m losing any ambition or dream of ever going anywhere. Literally. I mean anywhere outside of a couple miles from here. It’s a strange coping mechanism to give up all your dreams desires your entire life. I’ve been an artist and musician and photographer since I was a little kid. Now I’m just some nobody on a crypto site. I’ve been in a severe depression and anxiety state going on for over 2 years now. My sister and her kids have added enormously to the disaster of what is left of my family. Where do I go? I’m a nothing in every area I’ve spent my life working in. I’m not a blogger or a “quality content” creator. God how I hate that term. I know I take good photos. A few people like them.
I’m stuck here every night in this tiny room. With a tiny table in the corner. I’d like to be talking about Godard on his 90th Birthday but nobody even knows who he is. And I have no friends. I have no garden anymore. All my plants were left behind. No painting supplies or anywhere to paint. No place to play a guitar. I have a bed to sleep in. And I’m not homeless. That’s good. Im grateful for that. But it’s not enough. Not enough to actually continue living. I don’t know what to do. I can’t figure a way out.
