I donât know if it is just me, but sometimes I feel like I could be related to a rollercoaster, lolz! My thoughts, ideas, moods and plans will swing in one direction and then just as suddenly swing in the other. Although, this is probably more like that pendulum swing thing at the carnivals, LOLZ! Either way, as much as it can keep life interesting and spontaneous, it can also make it really hard sometimes because one second I am going left and really excited about it and then I blink and I am going right because left didnât really appeal to me anymore, or something about left just didnât feel right after a bit.
I have really enjoyed the time I have spent here on Hive since joining recently and have loved learning about a LOT. It really re-ignited my love for reading as well as writing and the excitement has had me all fired up! Then, a few nights ago, I sat down and started writing a post about a really incredible experience I had with a psychologist a few years ago. I have not published the post yet, because I didnât finish it yet.
Just over 1000 words in and I de-railed emotionally. The experience I was writing about was one which had a deep impact on me as a person and I suppose writing about it threw me back and triggered a whole lot of feeling which I was not quite prepared for. I went from being really excited to write it, allowing myself to share the story fluidly and openly to completely shutting down.
It left me feeling so down. Not because of the experience itself, but because of the things I realized during. It felt like I had been catapulted back in time and I just could not shake the feeling. I began second guessing myself, whether I should share it and if anybody would even care to read it.
From that moment, I walked away from it and havenât touched it since. I basically crawled into my safe cave and avoided everyone and everything for a few days, which is why I have not posted anything for a bit.
I guess we all go left, right, up and also down sometimes, donât we. I have noticed that when I go âdownâ (or inward) I tend to slow down the most, which is probably not a bad thing. Some of it can be, because I tend to get stuck in my head a little and that has a tendency to run away with itself, and then I have to make a real effort to remind myself that I am actually allowed to feel vulnerable, sad and any other wave of emotion which might come over me.
I say it is not a bad thing having these little reflective interludes in my life because they allow me to reassess myself, to keep in check with what I am doing and where I am going and also to make sure my head is still screwed on properly, although I donât think I have ever been completely sure about that last bit, LOLZ!
So, after a few days of inward reclusion and little to nothing happening in my outside world, other than what was absolutely necessary to keep my boat floating and pay my bills, I decided to go out for an early morning coffee yesterday to get myself out of my cave and also back into the swing of a positive routine. My favorite is always breakfast at or near the beach and this time I ventured a little closer to home. It was still near the ocean, but not really the beach. Either way, my heart was happy and so were my eyes, because itâs always nice to have a good view!
I took the time I needed to move through what I felt because of writing that post rather than ignoring it and pretending I was fine. There was obviously a reason for it, and I needed that time out to work through that.
Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time by myself, but the thing is, I really donât mind being alone, because I never actually feel alone, or lonely. I actually enjoy my own company, even though that might sound a little strange to some people, for me it is pretty much a normal thing. I sat and enjoyed my coffee, got lost in the view and began making notes about some of the things I would like to get done with the rest of this week. One of them is to finish that post I started. I have rekindled my enthusiasm to share it and that is exactly what I am going to do!
I will post it as soon as it is done!
Eliza xxx
PS. I also got myself set up on Twitter now, so I can join in with all of you over there, so it would be lovely if you came to say hi to me, if that is something that you use. Here is my link. https://twitter.com/elizaannetweets