How do you develop a grateful heart? A question that I normally ask myself from time to time, to get reminded that thinking of the blessings and counting them is one of the keys to keep myself grounded.
I recently have gone through a huge breakthrough. I do not know how "huge" this can be for others, but for me it is. A certain incident that never occurred in my past. I honestly don't know how to put this into words, because every time I will remember the specific scenarios, I would feel a little devastated, some sort of pain, a little blame to myself that I allow myself to be fooled and I became too ambitious in a short span of time. Haysss...
As you guys may know, I just recently moved out from Manila to Dumaguete City. A place where I have no relatives at all, although I ain't really close to any of my relatives too. At some point I know that God led me towards this direction. I have had this prayer for a very long time, such as being able to fully be independent as a mom to my daughter. When I say fully independent, it's not just about providing her needs and wants, or technically finances. I wanted to build a life for her, because I grew up with parents who are typical in the Philippines. Not allowing you to do what you want in life, the things that you know, you have potentials with and mainly doing everything out of their permission. It feels like, before you even make a move in life, the final say would always come to them.
Well, unfortunately for them, I am a stubborn one. I know very well to myself that when I want something and I know I can always try on certain things, it's because I know that I will always do my best to prove myself that all it takes is to take action. However, due to this stubbornness, I came across many challenges, hardships, and trials that later on taught me a lot in life. Also, because of this, it allows me to always go beyond what I can, I learned to grab every opportunity I can to enhance whatever capabilities I have, and be gracious towards myself as well. You know that life really helps us to learn something from it and be humble. I want my daughter to really have a life that she can build as well as a young one. I would like her to maximize life as much as she wants, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else.
And last week, I actually got scammed. It is probably the most heartbreaking moments in my life. YES! More than a break-up (well this is a different story too, LOL).
I lost all of my savings and every penny I had. For a very long time, I have been happy, content, and was at peace living here. In a snap, some events can trigger my Anxiety. I may be the most positive person you'll meet in life, according to most people. Haha but still, I don't know how to accept things like this, something I am very cautious about, and at some point in my life. I realized that I had no person that I could run to. I felt alone because of the pride that I also got in me. I am very responsible with my life and my daughter, and thinking about the fact that this is less than a week before my daughter and mom come to Dumaguete, it happened. It pains me to see that I feel so helpless. The funny part is that, I had an on set class for Upskill Training and I had to facilitate this for 3 days. I was really trying my very best to compose myself, to look and be professional as much as I could. As per my interns, I was doing great, without them knowing that I wasn't okay at all. Deep inside my heart feels very chaotic. And you know, writing is very therapeutic for me, but not right at that moment.
All I could do after work was be in the room and cry out my heart to God. I even told Him many times, that I became so ambitious to certain businesses. I was doing everything alone without consulting Him, without getting a confirmation if what I was about to do is really His well, and if I am meant to do it. I was saying sorry to God that I became so impulsive in all aspects, that now I am facing the consequence. I wanted to get resolution. And you know right at that moment, God moves. He saw my pain, He heard my cry, and He rescued me from all of my fears and worries. He sent angels to provide finances. When I got this blessing, I finally calmed down and started thinking about what I should do with His wisdom.
Why am I sharing this? As I have mentioned earlier, when I came here it was the most peaceful time in my life as a worker with a position at work. A very well balanced life, I can't believe I can actually sleep for 6-8 hours, which is in Manila, it never happened. I was always on the go and always chasing sleep. I may be really feeling old now, because I wanted peace, calm, and a stable life with simplicity.
But you know, this experience humbles me. It made me realize that in the midst of a calm sea, we also have to learn to be familiar with the chaos that we have encountered in the past, we need to keep on reminding ourselves of how impulsive decisions can affect our lives in the future, or worse people that we love. It taught me that when the sea is calm, we cannot be complacent about life, because a certain Tsunami may come any time of the day. We have to learn to be ready, although, with God allowing these kinds of experiences, provides us wisdom and understanding that in the future, we will become stronger in facing more breakthroughs. I really believe that breakthroughs are meant to happen, not just to humble us, but to know what we are capable of, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I know that some of you may be encountering a lot of breakthroughs right now, but remember! You passed the previous test, you were able to break through it, and YOU WILL AGAIN! All it takes is to trust the process, it may be painful as you move forward, it may take time, but remember that the next time another breakthrough would occur, you will remember your previous journey and you were able to do it with God's help. Just keep our faith in Him and believe in yourself as well, because if not? Who else then?
Let me leave you with a verse that I am holding into this, and I hope this will help you keep going too.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you, nor forsake you."
-Deuteronomy 31:6-
Much Love
Cham