Today is a struggle. There are several people who wrote wonderful, long comments that deserve my time and considered response. It is HiveBloPoMo, and I want to create a halfway decent post each day, something worth reading.
I have a list of topics as long as my arm. That is not the issue. The issue is that my body and brain are slow today. This is the sort of day I normally would not write.
It makes me wonder whether this challenge is too much for me, which seems a little sad. How can creating one post per day be too much when I am doing little else?
The answer is, I suppose, that this is depression. Often, people ask, "Why are you depressed?" When someone asks that, I know they don't understand depression. If someone has cancer, MS, diabetes, etc., no one asks why they have the illness (although there is an alarming trend of blaming people for being ill.)
I cannot sleep. If I go to sleep without a sleeping pill of some sort, I wake after an hour. That is likely depression also. I have finally found a new doctor and have an appointment next week. I have very little hope or optimism about this, but I should try.
I have a phone appointment with my psychiatrist again on Thursday. This is the fourth month in a row. The first time, he told me to quadruple the dose of one of my meds, which I did, and I felt better, but it gave me near constant nausea. The next month, he said he had not meant quadruple; he meant double. He said to go back to the original dose, so I did. On the third appointment, he said he had meant that I should stop taking it, and since I had failed to do so, I had to wait another month. That brings us to Thursday. I don't hold out much hope.
While I think he and I clearly are not communicating properly, the truth is, it doesn't matter. I don't think modern medicine can help me. I am not saying it cannot help anyone with depression. Over 50% of depressions are treatable by medication. Exercise helps a lot, but try motivating yourself when you are acutely depressed. Or move a mountain with a spoon. The latter seems easier.
The result of my sleeplessness is that I take medication to sleep, and wake up nearly unable to move because the medication is so powerful. However, move I must because one still needs to use the bathroom!
This is probably too much information. Normally, I probably wouldn't post it, but I don't want to mess up my HiveBloPoMo streak, and I also don't want people to think I am ignoring them.