Looking Back on April
This is the last day of HiveBloPoMo. I have managed to write a post (or more) every day of April for HiveBloPoMo. I tried to publish at about the same time every day, but, because of time zones, I think it might appear that I missed a day. Oh, well. Life.
Speaking of life, what are some positives and then some negatives and then some positives? That is a technique that is often used to give bad news. Personally, I hate it. Straight talk, buddy, and hold the sugar. However, I have noticed that others prefer a little sweetness, so...
The Top Layer of The Sandwich
I feel like things are going quite well for me in the game Rising Star. That might seem like a weird positive, but most of my investments... let us not speak of them in this part of the sandwich. Rising Star is going well.
Until the "Whale Wars," I was doing well here on Hive, so that was nice. It wasn't "well" in the sense of making minimum wage in my country for the time I put in, but I am led to believe that expecting that kind of remuneration for my writing is sheer hubris. It made me feel good to make something writing my honest thoughts and not having to hustle or pander, though. It wasn't about the money, I thought.
The Middle of the Sandwich
Now, I don't know how I feel. I am more depressed than I have ever been, which is not at all related to the Hive situation although it couldn't have come at a worse time.
I have this asthma from hell, but I am treating it with the doctor's help (finally). I have some ideas for how I might treat my depression, which gives me a small amount of hope.
I feel frustrated with Hive. People talk about downvotes and how it has to be part of the system, but that was a system invented by Steem. It is explained on page 14 of the whitepaper where they say that downvoting is to encourage a "crabs in the bucket" mentality. https://steem.com/SteemWhitePaper.pdf
While the argument sort of seems plausible as you read it, when you pause to consider, two things become clear:
I don't think the whitepaper authors truly understand the crabs in a bucket analogy. It is by no means a positive.
We are not Steem. There are many very smart developers here. Can we not do better than considering our community members "crabs in a bucket?"
Let me be perfectly clear:
I do understand that everyone has a right to do with their stake as they choose, even if it is sociopathic and destroys Hive or makes it miserable for everyone.
I also know that if I don't like it, I can go.
I am talking about using the downvote in a mean, retaliatory way, especially against third parties, not to combat plagiarism, spam, or other bad acts.
I would rather say something and be part of improving things than run away. However, I just cannot say nothing. I think many people here are silent out of fear, and that is sad. I understand it because there is a lot to lose potentially.
I am also not talking about a small downvote. I am talking about the type of downvote that cuts out a significant percentage of author rewards.
There is a lot for everyone to lose, though. The fallout from these "whale wars" is decreased trust.
To me, it's not all about money. It's about trust. It's about building relationships. And that means not living in fear that suddenly, you will lose your income because there is a rivalry between someone who supports your work and someone else.
The Bottom Layer of the Sandwich
Some good has come of HiveBloPoMo in general, which is that I have rekindled my love of writing fiction. I don't know why I have relegated it to being sort of "lesser" writing for a while.
Now, in a strange way, I feel liberated to write more fiction. However, now that HiveBloPoMo is over, will I continue to write a post per day? It is hard to say. I think it is good for my mental health in some ways. In others, it makes things worse.
It is hard to look on the bright side when you are extremely depressed. Despite that, I feel a small amount of hope, which is almost a miracle through this darkness. If you have been through depression, you will understand. Otherwise, it will sound like nonsense I think.
I trained with counsellors who, despite having studied depression and having been around depressed clients, clearly did not understand the illness. That was frustrating to see, but it gave me increased compassion for lay people who cannot understand. If professionals who study for six years of post secondary education don't get it, it is not something easily understood.
Conclusion
To me, depression is like being in a dark, frightening forest at night. People are there who tell you that you are not actually in a dark, frightening forest, and it is not night, but you still have this dark, terrible feeling of being lost and as though there is no hope. The feeling is magnified by the assurances that there is no forest.
When I am well and I encounter someone who is depressed, I try to offer them a map out of their forest-hell rather than denying its existence. Meet people where they are. To me, that is the most important part of psychological care.
Right now, I am finding my own way out. Sometimes, the way out is to go deeper in. It's counterintuitive. We fight ourselves, but that is like struggling in quicksand. Instead, we need to stop struggling and start breathing. And living one moment at a time. This moment, after all, is all we have.
Much Love,
Harlow ❤
P.S. Help the Ukraine with Hivebuzz's NFTs for peace if you can. zirochka has published six articles showing how these funds are already being used to help people in need.
Too many people simply give up too easily. You have to keep the desire to forge ahead, and you have to be able to take the bruises of unsuccess. Success is just one long street fight.
Milton Berle, Comedian
Photo Credit Ukrainian Flag - Peace in Ukraine with a free Ukraine soon I hope