I hate selfies with a passion. I have to take a few of them, use filters, get the angle right - and I generally feel like a dick doing them. Plus, I'm not young and pretty - in a few days, I turn 49, which proves what I've been saying for the last 9 years - I'm nearly 50. And as much as I practice acceptance, letting go, moving with the flow, being one with the moment, non judgement or attachment, there's that niggling part of me that struggles with getting old. In my heart and head I'm not old - I'm still bouncy and curious and love an adventure and I'm not old!
Anyway, Ladies of HIVE have asked this question for the community challenge #2 here and I decided I'd challenge myself to answer this question:
What are your best and worst character traits, and do you dare to post a TRUE SELFIE in your entry post (TRUE SELFIE means a selfie without makeup and filters applied).
Of course I protested and downright refused to do it, and then I thought - don't be an idiot, discomfort is a learning opportunity!
So here's my selfie:
Yeah yeah, I'm cheating. I didn't even set this image as the first visible post on my HIVE blog. Yuk.
Of course, it's not a true selfie - it's a photograph that my husband took on the weekend, and it's pretty close to dawn, so there's that nice diffused light. But it's definitely no filter, and no make-up.
And it's kinda me in my element, bare foot, in the wilderness, camping.
I don't wear make-up - maybe a bit of foundation for work if I'm feeling a bit grey. But I'm definitely not a make up girl. Never have been - maybe a bit of black mascara and a smudge of pale eyeshadow when I've gone out, but that's it. It comes from being quite active - surfing, horseriding and make up never really went well together.
So, my worst trait is really self confidence. I'm not self confident at all. It comes from being bullied as a teenager, and the teen girl inside me is still cowering a little (a lot) from that terrible experience. There's this fear I'm being horribly judged all the time and unloved, and as much work as I do on that aspect of myself, the damage done all those years ago was a very deep wound. On the surface, I'm confident enough, and no one really knows that about me (well, you do now!). It's something I'm working on, because how can I be my best self if I don't really believe in myself?
Of course, it's not all the time - sometimes I believe I'm kick ass! I'm a pretty empathetic, loving and kind person and I'm creative, too. I think I'm a good poet and a good writer, and I'm super proud of my accomplishments as a leader on HIVE, whatever that means. I've discovered I'm pretty good at bringing people together in community, both here and in real life, and I'm pretty self aware. They are certainly qualities I'm proud of. HIVE has taught me alot about what I'm capable of, and I'm so grateful for this space and the people here that are sounding boards, supporters, critics and advisors!
HIVE folk have actually contribute a lot to how I feel about myself. It's a world of all sorts of amazing people, all ages, all genders, all races, all cultures. Sometimes it's only when you've pretty much fallen in love with a person do you find out what they look like, and that's an amazing reminder to not judge people on their appearance. I guess this should be a lesson for me, right? If I'm not judging people for how they look why would others be judging me?
Us woman on HIVE know how hard it can be in an image focussed world where we're taught we should look a particular way to be loved or be successful. It's not an easy thing to brush off or move past (please don't advise me how I should, because I know) - seeing my wrinkles, my changing body shape - there's part of me that goes ugh, especially when I accidentally flip the camera around when I take a photo. And as we get older, we kinda get invisible - I heard some woman enjoy this invisibility (the male gaze can kinda suck) but I'm still getting used to it.
Funny, my husband still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I wish I could see myself the way he sees me. I like this photo of us from last week. With a filter.
Anyway, I'm now feeling all uncomfortable talking about myself, but it's kinda nice revealing all - because ultimately I believe that if you can't love and accept me for how I look at what I am, well, you're probably not worth hanging out with anyway! Not that I expect HIVE crew to be like that at all - you are all so amazing and I feel so loved and accepted by you all. And right back atcha.
Oh, as part of the challenge I have to invite someone else to the LADIES OF HIVE community! I'd like to invite vegan cook extraordinaire @carolynstahl! You can join the community by clicking here and hitting subscribe!
