Hi Deedee, I'm here once again to share my emotions as I always do. But today's own is different.
It is very different because you wouldn't be the only one knowing this, but also my fellow ladies on hive.
To be honest with you, I haven't been feeling too well for the past few days. Not that I'm physically sick, but I'm emotionally troubled and downcasted.
I never knew living alone was difficult, I had thought it would be fun and rosy. All that I'm experiencing now is the total opposite of what I expected and imagined.
My biggest challenge now is how I can manage my money, time, and other resources.
There are always a lot of necessary things to purchase and bills to pay with my monthly allowances.
I never knew what adults passed through to make themselves and their juniors happy, but now I do. Because I'm getting a little piece of the adult cake—and I confess it is not that delicious😔.
Deedee, I feel so sad most of the time. I feel invisible, confused, and empty. I feel suffocated.
Sometimes I feel I'm being overly sensitive, and I am trying so much to minimize it.
My friends said that I'm difficult to understand, because of the changes in my emotions.
I keep complaining that I'm tired and want to go back home. They feel I do not appreciate their presence but God knows I do. I love every one of them.
I don't know the root of my problem, how it began, and the proper way to go about it.
All I know is that I don't feel comfortable being alone.
At first, I felt I could stay all by myself, and needed no one to confide in. I thought it would just be me and you, Deedee and I will live it better.
But it is not happening that way, because life is not easy “alone”.
One needs to be cared for, loved, and understood.
I'm currently running against my feelings, I mean the ones I could easily control… Like forcing myself to go to school when I don't want to, forcing myself to cook food even when I don't have the appetite.
And the other ones I can't control I let them be. I cry and laugh when necessary, and smile always.
I now call my family every day because I need them most at this point in my life, I need comfort, and I also want to be petted.
So Deedee after telling you all this, what do you think of me? Because I am very confused about myself.
Anyway, I am trying my best to cope with everything and understand myself more.
I now speak positive words every morning to brighten my day. I also practice how to control my emotions and how to express it properly.
Gentle Deedee, do you know I have so many benefits from telling you about my every day?
I easily get over every negative thought and trouble whenever I share them with you.
Telling you about my plans is sometimes better than telling humans because my plans and dreams shared with you always come to reality.
That will be all for today Deedee, see you again tomorrow.
This is how I write in my diary, with date and time for explicit memories. Always the same intonation, but different emotions.
Sadly, 24hrs is now small for me, so I forget to write on it sometimes, and only remember it when I'm extremely happy, excited, anxious, or sad.
I named it after me, Deedee. Because I didn't want to call it just a diary.
Thank you all for reading, and for your time and support.
This post is in response to the LOH contest. Question by @brittandjosie.
Images are mine