When my sister, @gejami, posted her blog for the Ladies of Hive Contest yesterday, and I was reading her blog, (The discord notifications work well, LOL), I was thrown back in time.
Depressive Times in Life
The difficult time when our father was first diagnosed with lung cancer, and the 'fight' for his life started. What was perhaps the hardest thing for everyone was that we actually knew from the moment of diagnosis that it was only going to be life extension. There was no cure for the type of lung cancer he was suffering from.
Our mother had had COPD for years, and because of the limitations this placed on her quality of life, in combination with her character, she was always prone to depression. Our father was her great love and support in life. So you can imagine that being diagnosed with incurable lung cancer was a crushing blow to our family. The diagnosis also came at a time when our mother was rushed to the hospital with yet another pneumonia, a day before my father received his shattering diagnosis.
What happened next is not easy to describe, but you can say that from then on mental health problems were a thing in our family. Not my father. He held his ground and went through the treatments without complaint. Was it without fear? No, of course he was scared! Just not so much for himself, I think I know him that well. He wasn't ready to give up, he was still enjoying life too much. He had just retired from work for a few years, and finally had time to do the things he wanted to do. Of course, he wasn't ready to have to give up all this and leave it behind. But his greatest concern was how he would leave his wife and daughters behind. How would we go on without him? The rock in our family!
Our mother and I, too, were both very prone to depression. And for us, our father tried to stay as strong as possible. While my mother and I both tried to stay strong, for him too.
The inevitable happened and a year and a half after his diagnosis, our father passed away in the hospital.
Slowly things fade away
What you often see is that in the beginning, family and friends often come by to see how things are going. Our mother also needed this, she had lost her great love. She herself had increasing health problems, because the COPD she suffered from is of course an incurable, progressive disease. She needed to be cared for, but after the death of our father, her zest for life had completely disappeared. And as I said, the first month after our father died, people checked on her every day. But this too slowly faded as people moved on with their own lives. It had become "normal" again for them. Leaving our mother with her own sorrow and thoughts. While for her, nothing would ever be "normal" anymore. It is understandable, everyone has his/her own life. But that doesn't make it any easier!
As my sister wrote, she tried her best. But unfortunately there wasn't much we could do. The combination of her own health issues, her fears, and missing our father made her weaker quickly. She passed away after a heavy and difficult, but relatively short period after our father.
How can you help someone else when you are depressed yourself?
When my father died, I still lived in our parental home. On the one hand, I was very happy with that because it allowed me to keep an eye on our mother. And I tried to be there for her, to support her and to ease her worries. I tried to make it fun for her by doing things with her on days when her health allowed her to do something. My sister came by every day and tried to be there for her too, but we both found that the grief of missing our father was too great.
In the meantime, I was also becoming increasingly depressed, and if you threaten to get into a depression yourself, it is difficult, if not impossible, to be there for someone else.
I have "experience" in both, Helping and being helped
So in that respect I have clearly gained experience in both the side of the person who is trying to help the other, but also in being the person who needs to be helped. And from both experiences, I can say that mental health problems have a huge impact on a person's life. Whether you're the one trying to help, or whether you're the one who needs to be helped. People with mental health issues cannot always be helped.
Professional help was of no help for me
I myself have visited social work several times, I have seen a psychiatrist and I say quite frankly, the visits to the psychiatrist were wasted time for me. Social work was slightly better, in the sense that I still enjoyed talking to my social worker. But, to say that I was ever really helped by any of them? No! Absolutely not!
Rowan
What ultimately helped me to face the issues I had was purchasing Rowan. My white German Shepherd. He has been the best doctor, psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, friend, support and soul mate ever. And why? He didn't judge, he was there for me. And he needed me! He wouldn't be anywhere without me, and I required that responsibility. I was never alone because of him. There was someone who was always happy with me. And because of the needs he had, I also had to take part in life again. Because that little white fluffy ball was so unconditionally loyal to me, I wanted to give him everything I thought he deserved. I wanted to give him the best dog life ever. And that part, wanting to give him the same love and fidelity that he gave me so unconditionally... that part pulled me through my depression. And changed my life forever.
It was the same little white fluff ball who also was my great support, along with my sister, when I had another negative experience in my life. Not quite in balance yet, I met a man online who took my heart by storm.
He didn't want my heart, he wanted (and got) my money
Unfortunately for me, he wasn't after my heart, but he was after my parents' legacy. He knew exactly how to find my weaknesses, which were still there at the time, he knew how to play them very cleverly and the end of the song is that I lent him 10K euros. Needless to say, I never saw that back again. There is more that happened, but I don't want to go into that.
It's not exactly an online scam, but it's consistent with how people are scammed online these days. And the only advice I could give in that is, "Never, ever transfer money". No matter how much in love you are, use your wits, and don't do it!
A POSITIVE note to end
Then a final positive note, in recent years it has been a lot better in terms of depression. I recognize the dangerous moments much earlier. I know I will always be sensitive to it, but I can deal with it better, and now I know how to act myself. This does not mean that I never have gloomy days, this does not mean that I no longer have fears, on the contrary. Sometimes I have to consciously hold back from things, and avoid all news (too much negativity), but as long as I can take that into account I'm fine.
Dogs stay important for my mental health
My dogs are still an important part of my life. Unfortunately without Rowan now, but Myla, Lana and Skipper keep me busy. They are there for me just as unconditionally, and for them too I want to give only the very best to them. They keep me mentally balanced and physically active. And that last bit, physical activity is important for mental health.
And of course there is now my partner who accepts me as I am, and who brings out the best in me. He stimulates me, he puts my fears into perspective, he sees it as soon as I get into a depressed mood and feels unerringly whether he should encourage me to take action or limit me in certain things. He encourages me to stay creative and encourages me to keep developing myself in that area. It is thanks to him that I regained the confidence to paint after more than 15 years.
So even though my life hasn't always been a bed of roses, it's actually going well at the moment. The fact remains that we always have to work on ourselves, and some people need to do that a little more than others. But the most important thing is and remains that you continue to have faith in yourself and in the people you love.