Have you ever received a gift that turned out to be a trap?
It was one of these wolf in sheep's clothing gestures that shaped many of my thoughts on women empowering each other today.
I had a much younger friend who we will call Ally. I'm not sure if she looked up to me more than I looked up to her; she was an incredible young woman. At only 17 she had already begun to pursue her passions with a vigor that was admirable.
I was something like 25, but I still wanted to be like her when I grew up.
Stating this so simply sounds sinister now, and unfortunately it really was. The situation truly wasn't unusual at the time however— there was a culture of aid that was necessary to survive in camp. Someone used it to trick us.
Looking back, my perception of safety was probably a green flag for Ally.
I was at the stage of my life where I was transitioning from maiden to mother mentally. I didn't understand this the day we left for the hotel, but I did a few days later... I was of an age that younger women trusted me for guidance. I graduated, and missed the memo.
I've had each person I tell this story to respond by saying I shouldn't feel such guilt. That is the lesson I needed to take with me though, responsibility. That day we both had our first proper showers in weeks.
We washed our teargas residue filled clothing. And we relaxed, feeling like the day was a break in the storm. I fell asleep in a shared hotel bed with Ally that night, remembering just how good a real bed is... but I didn't wake up with her next to me.
I woke up being touched in my sleep.
The man who decided to do this to me had just told me all about his childhood trauma of being abused in foster care the day before. I'd shared meals with him in the community kitchen, offered him a load of wood as I pulled a sleigh of it through camp, shared water while front lining.
I'd looked out for him, like we all looked out for each other. I had let my comfort level at camp drop my guard, because I was naive enough to forget my good sense. I believed he'd do the same.
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He was immediately sorry he did that, and even more sorry later... that isn't the point of this story though. He had a partner in this sick activity, and I'd learn later that they did this several times. I didn't find that jerk in the room, but I did find Ally crying by the door.
She is the point of the story. Ally is the first woman who has ever needed me to hold space for her.
We were far from alone with these two men in the room, but at some point, part of the group must have left, because they were absent as I walked her away down the hall.
For the next months I thought on the responsibility women have for each other. How sisterhood amplified is a shield in a world that can be cruel. It all started as I held Ally in the following days. She cried when she needed to, and I made her food. I didn't talk, only listened.
Ally got what one would consider justice, and she went on to keep being tough as nails. Months later she spoke at a youth UN summit, and I watched it from my smart phone many miles from North Dakota. The National Guard had come through with a herd of Humvees to clear the camp as soon as winter broke, and I had been nomadic since.
I was traveling with the woman in my first photo, we met the day I went to North Dakota, hopping in her car to get to know her over the 21-hour drive. She's still my best friend today, and I have so many lessons to thank her for. My ideas on empowerment grew rapidly in this time together.
We fished, foraged, and hunted. We bathed in steams and secluded lakes. Everything we ate was made over a fire. We spent weeks in national parks, sleeping under the stars.
We headed south in search of hot springs and tropical delights. And I learned so much more about being a woman through watching my friend raise a small lady.
I connected with the divine feminine in a way I never had before... I healed a lot.
From an early age, women are taught that we should compete with each other. During this period of my life I became so maddeningly aware of how much we need to do the opposite. How I'd bought into this poor narrative for myself. I found community in female friendship.
And I also realized just how hard being a mother was. I watched as my friend tried to act like she could do everything herself and my heart ached. I took so much joy in giving her breaks, and I once again thought on how these simple acts can be transformative.
There's magic in this, and it formed a new idea of what community meant for me. As I settled into my girl pack, I realized all the ways that women living communally support each other naturally when given the chance.
Not so long after, I would decide to have my first child. Watching Gus with her kiddo had planted a seed in my mind, and it would once again expand my ideas on what empowered women look like.
There are things that only we know. The pain of the milk let-down in the first week. The feeling of cradling a small person in the early blue hours of morning and feeling unsure what is real... As the hormones regulate in your healing and tired body, you will need other women more than ever.
With my eldest, I spent a lot of time alone. I learned about the only life-giving blood that can be shed, and experienced how shunned talking about it is in society firsthand.
Sarcastically, in my head I would wonder why people asked how I was doing. The only acceptable answer was great. No one told me this before. I fell into postpartum depression after a c-section, and there were only a few beacons in the dark to me at one point.
Women, calling out to me. Letting me know I wasn't alone.
I made it a point to drop off premade dinners and flowers to every woman I was close to that had a baby after that. I promised myself I would ask what things they are struggling with, or if they needed to vent instead of the standard questionnaire. Then I got into birth advocacy.
I had to fight tooth and nail for the birth I wanted with my son. After losing my first child in my early twenties, I was afraid to have a baby at home. Even though I'd since carried to term and had a healthy 3-year-old at the time, I knew I needed to feel secure.
I learned that most hospitals had a policy against letting women give birth naturally after a c-section. I had doctors berate me, tell me I wasn't capable, and one even laughed in my face. He told me that no smart doctor would do that, and I left that day and hired a doula.
I also joined VBAC support groups, and began reading the birth stories of hundreds of women. I cheered for them when they had the births they wanted, and cried with them when things went awry.
Having a doula empowered me to feel brave, safe, in control. She quietly offered me support, placed counter pressure against my contractions, reminded me to breathe.
It's been two and a half years since my son was born, but the high of that moment never left me. When my labor had finally ended, and my son was placed on my chest, I felt connected to all of the women who have given me strength.
Female empowerment to me is all about support. Standing together in the issues that impact each one of us.
As I now raise a small lady of my own, I think over the lessons I've learned from the women I've mentioned here... And I of course think on all the advice I hope to give and have accepted by my daughter. Although this post is already long, I wouldn't be me if I didn't address both prompts for this week! So, what advice do I have for young women?
Unapologetically be yourself!
Embrace what makes you happy, and lean into it.
No is a complete sentence. Don't be afraid to firmly reject the things that do not work for you. You have to live the life you build with each choice.
It is better to do difficult things asap. When you stress over how you will do it, you only prolong the suffering. Want to quit a job, end a relationship, or confront a situation that is bothering you? If you are truly certain, the best day is today.
And lastly, if your gut keeps telling you something is off, explore it. Never let your intuition sit unanswered. The space you occupy belongs to you, and you deserve to be respected and loved. The heart knows when things are off, and it gives us pain to process. Sometimes we must sit with that.
Do you have thoughts on women empowerment or some wisdom you'd like to pass on to the younger generation of gals? The Ladies of Hive Community Contest is open for a few more days!
Before you go... Do you like thrift store shopping? There's a new community centered around sharing secondhand finds, from the treasures to the oddities! You can check out the intro post here, which features a HBI giveaway! Hope to see you there 😄