When I was in secondary school, I had an altercation with my group of ‘girlfriends’. The reason was simple. I told them to their face that they were not my friends.
“We’re acquaintances”.
I never heard the end of it. They taunted me for weeks, refused to talk to me and would make fun of me over little things. They avoided me and talked behind my back. I knew all of this, yet, inexperienced me wondered if I had made a mistake.
You see, I had a girlfriend I did everything together until I realized, I was doing most of it and she was only available when she could afford to. I am sad to say that my mom and I never agreed when it came to her matter. Mom saw her for what she was, I did not and I paid for it.
So this girl, we will call her Terra (not her real name by the way), and I met when I just began in public school. She had the aura of most popular girl and I wanted to be her friend so bad. I did even though I had to bend over backwards. Almost four years with her and I would always let things go, let the pain slide, swallow the hurt and just became a doormat. She was closer to her other group of friends than she was with me. I knew that, but the prospect of a best friend blinded me so bad, I was desperate.
I guess I got fed up with her tantrums. She refused to grow up and would believe what people told her about me. It gave me sleepless nights and just messed with me mentally. Yet, I did not let her go because… I genuinely cared about her as any friend would. Also, I had shared and bared myself to her in the most vulnerable way.
Soon, I realized that she was not going to change. This was getting close to when we were sitting for our WAEC exams. It was a painful realization but one that needed to happen nonetheless. We’ve had disagreements where she would gang up on me with her group of friends and make my life hell. I am not saying I was perfect either; however, I never went out of my way to make her feel bad. No. If anything, I would apologize; even write letters to fix what was broken.
One day, while talking about friendship, I knew they were not my friends. She was not my friend. I said what I said and she confirmed it. It has been so long that it is nothing but a faded memory somewhere in my mind. However, I can remember the bitter taste of loneliness after being ostracized by my ‘friend’ for saying something she did not agree with.
I obsessed over that bit of my life for two years wondering if I made a mistake and if I could have handled it better. Could I have been a better friend? Could I have given more? Should I not have said what I said? It was not until I reunited with my cousin and made a real friend that I got my answer. Terra was never a friend. She could not have been. Not when my cousin showed me the features and character of true friendship.
People will assume it’s our family ties that made us inseparable but the truth is we were estranged for about a decade or even more. Then we crossed paths again when my Grandma came into Nigeria before she passed. The connection was instant. We hit it off and then got closer with time. I also got to meet an amazing soul through her.
My friends are fierce protectors. They would never let anyone talk behind me if they can help it. Especially my cousin. She proved it countless times. She is a lover and caregiver. She gets very concerned when things seem to spiral for me and tries to show up in any way she can. She is a disciplinarian. I remember when she caught me doing something I should not have; she disciplined me (as hard as it is to believe) and kept an eye on me until I got better.
My friends showed me what true friendship looks like and when they met Terra sometime before I cut her off completely, they had the same thoughts,
“I don’t like her.” Angel told me
“She seems off.” Daisy said
I got defensive as always but I would realize they were all right. I do not know how to make friends and if I do, it is always for a lifetime unless they get sick of me. Because we talk and vibe does not mean we are friends, it means we could be but friendship is a whole Ship of its own; it is an adventure that requires patience, understanding, trust and communication. The freedom that comes with being real with someone is absolute ecstasy. I don’t know how to explain it. They do not try to change you, or hit you when you are down. They do not use your weaknesses against you rather; they help you discover your strengths.
We have had our differences as friends. Broken up and still sorted out differences against all odds. I remember when two sisters tried using my mistake to come in-between us (mostly I and Angel), Angel defended me even when she shouldn’t have. She could have sided with them, gotten angry, but she waited to hear what I had to say. That was humbling.
Overall, friendship is not something I take lightly. If I let you into my small circle, I would do everything in my power to keep you there. Even become vulnerable…
