I do not wish to die just yet. I do not long to say goodbye because deep down I know I have not lived enough. I am not proud of myself yet. I love myself, but I am unhappy with where I currently stand--- confused, broke, and lost. I have not achieved anything. This makes death an uncomfortable topic for me.
It leads me to question what I want to achieve to feel that I am ready to go. Will my soul be satisfied when I build my dream house? Will I truly be prepared to bid farewell when I reach my first million? Will I find myself when I could buy anything I want? I think I will be ecstatic, but not for long. Eventually, I will again find myself waking up to the idea that I may have wasted my time on the mundane things in life.
Then a memory flashes in my mind. It was a bright sunny day. My cousins, siblings, and I are holding hands to support one another as we crossed the river. Our laughter was as loud as the gush of water. Some of the adults were watching us from the banks. The others were grilling fish for lunch. The smell of the food moved along with the river's current. It was my childhood's greatest adventure. What I felt that day is what I want to feel when my last birthday comes.
That memory sealed my decision on how I would celebrate the last birthday that will be granted to me. I want to be in nature with my family and friends. They are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones that make me feel alive and warm. I would sit against the most beautiful tree I could find and write my last poem. While I am writing, my dog, Ash, would be free to sniff and explore the grass and dirt. Once in a while, I would look up, close my eyes, feel the trunk against my back, touch the ground where I sit, and let the sunlight touch my face. My oneness with nature would fill me with joy, contentment, and hope that after the physical death of my body, I would still be somewhere. My essence could not be destroyed. I would still be one with nature in whatever form.
When food is ready, we would eat happily and crack some jokes, then be serious. I would tell my family how grateful I am for their lives and love despite how shitty I feel about myself. Then we would enjoy the water as we soak in it, giggles everywhere just like the sound of birds. Finally, when the sunset comes, I would sit beside my man, my head on his shoulders (somewhere between the mentioned events we would have sex). I would hold his hand, stare at his eyes for the last time, and I would be gone as the night sky falls.
In reality, I might never know when I will be passing. I cannot trust that I could prepare for that final day. That is why I am truly grateful for the question I just answered. This made it clear to me the things I would love to experience before I die. The dream house may still be there, but what comes first will be my relationship with myself, friends, family, and nature. Perhaps that is also the reason I participated in this event--- because I feel alive when I write, and I want to write as much as I could when I am still here.