Say 'no' for a change, too!

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If you will meet someone, who has known me in the first 25 years of my life, they will most likely tell you that I am a sweet person.
Yes, that is how most people will describe me and I will tell you why they think so.

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They think I'm sweet because I'm helpful. For some reason, people think that if you are not helpful, then you are not sweet.

I grew up as a little girl in a family where the women didn't have much to say. Keep your mouth shut, do as you are told, listen to the elders (even if they say something that doesn't make sense) and most of all don't dare to contradict them.

Surrounded by people who want to force their will on you. If your mother asks you to do something and you refuse, you have no respect for her. If your sisters asks you to do something and you refuse, you have no respect for them. That was the way it was in my home.

So I grew up and became a teenager who couldn't say 'no'.

I couldn't refuse when someone asked me to borrow my notebook at school, even though I knew they would copy my homework.
I couldn't refuse when someone asked me for an answer during exams, with the result that I sometimes helped people cheating.
I couldn't say 'no' to the boy who wanted to go out with me, but whom I didn't like at all.
I couldn't even say 'no' to the boy who asked me for sex, but whom I despised.

Never had I learned how to say 'no'. And I fought with that for years.
Of course, people knew what I was like, so it was eagerly abused. Oh, this has to be done? Ask Angela, she won't say no.
I remember some relatives inviting me to parties, not to party with them but because they needed help in the kitchen and well, I wouldn't refuse to help.

I got all fake friends, who only befriended me to get their own benefit from the friendship.

But pain makes us grow. And when the same fake friends let me down in emergency situations time after time, I learned to say 'no' the hard way.
It didn't come easy and I was definitely 25 before I was able to refuse something.

It was funny to see how my circle of friends shrank after that. All those leeches who befriended me for their own benefit disappeared from my life. And I was left with a few friends alone, those few friends who meant well by me. And that's not a bad thing, it's even nice.

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It's not that I'm not helpful anymore; I like to help, but I don't let anyone take advantage of my goodness anymore. And that is good. That's a sign of self-love: something every human being should learn from childhood, but which we don't see happening!

We must learn that helpfulness and sacrifice are two different things.
I know that there are billions of women who are growing up the way I grew up. Not just in my country, but every where. And because I have experienced it, it hurts me so much to see that.
That's why I always try to motivate the women I know personally to speak up. Dare to speak your mind! Especially within the Hindu community in Suriname you see that many women are not allowed to have an opinion. And I know that for many it has to do with upbringing.

I am therefore sure that I if I ever do have children, I will raise them differently for sure.

And I'm glad I'm a teacher. That way I can also teach children at a young age that they should dare to talk. That they should dare to share their opinions.

You can have respect for someone and still refuse that person something!

It is OKAY to say what you think, what you feel and what you want or even stronger: what you do NOT want.

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Do not be imprisoned: not in the prison of your upbringing, not in the prison of your thoughts and certainly not in the prison of your emotions.

Dare to live freely.

Thank you for reading.

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Note: My first language is Dutch; so if there are mistakes in my English text, please forgive me.

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