We sometimes carry our pain like a badge of honor, a testament to what we have been through! The greatest transformations, usually happen when we are undergoing a lot of pain, when we have faced many challenges and come out the other end. Indeed most of us have fallen apart at different stages in life, but in the end we know just as many ways to put ourselves back together again!
I am well aware of what I have gone through, in order to be where I am today. I am grateful for all of those experiences, as they have been my building blocks. They have molded me into who I am. Each one a huge opportunity in which to grow and learn.
And yet I have found it hard to let go, of my inner wounded child. I know, I will always carry her with me, but the time has come for me to fully embrace who I am now and not keeping falling back into certain behaviors and patterns, things that trigger that part of myself and prevent me from moving forward!
I feel really fortune that I have had the opportunity in which to explore this more recently and with the help of some really amazing friends, find the ways in which I can just fully embrace my past, to heal my younger self and finally let that pain go!
I have always feared facing it, I was so worried that when I would, that it would overwhelm me, paralyze me even. There is a very good reason why I shut so many things out, burying memories, trying desperately to bury my pain along with it. But it never stays buried, our world is full of things, of people that trigger us, that trigger memories. Then, I would find myself reliving those emotions and becoming caught up in situations, where I would just shut down or become really defensive!
I could not defend myself as a child, but I could do it now! That pain so real and so raw, even after so many years! I fought so hard down through the years, to be independent, strong, resilient. Having someone come into my life and threaten that, made me feel really vulnerable again, helpless!
I had to find a way in which to let that pain, that fear go and instead stand in my power. Feel secure in my own skin! I have always suffer with feelings of insecurity, as so many of us have.
But now, with the way that the world is and me being a mother to three amazing girls, girls whom I want to be the best role model for, I need to let go of my past!
To not keep reliving it, but instead to honor it.
This journey has made me stronger and opened my eyes to the pain that my family has endured. It has led to much more understanding on my part, because it is all too easy to blame others for our pain. But recently I was able to see that members of my family, suffered greater than me. That they were repeating a cycle,a cycle of aggression that they never had the opportunity to break!
I am forever grateful for that opportunity to actually witness the dynamics within my family, to have it played out in front of me, whilst I was an observer on the outside, able to feel everyone's pain and also able to see a way in which I could help heal it.
When we are locked in our pain, when we hold it so tightly, we leave no room for anyone else's! It consumes us and we are blind to almost everything else around us. But life often gives us windows, opportunities to break through and we need to be able to recognize them and embrace them!
I have traveled deep within these past few weeks and it has allowed me to connect with my inner child, to give her the love, she so desperately wanted. To tell her that she is now safe and that she has the most amazing children, that even though she suffered, she has now became a strong women, who has done all the things she dreamed of!
Because of that, I can now call on her to give me strength and love, to become more empowered, whenever life brings me more challenges.
My recent healing (healing that is ongoing), took place when I opened myself up to the support and love of my friends, one who offered me a EFT session, (Emotional Freedom Technique) and when I attended a Family Constellations session, facilitated by two other friends.
By opening myself up and accepting the help of others, it has also allowed me to let go, of this need to always go it alone, this need I have had to prove to myself that I can survive on my own! That I am strong enough to do so, so that I do not become dependent on others. But there is a huge difference between allowing others to hep you and being dependent on them!
This is my response to the latest EcoTrain Question Of The Week and I am very grateful to have been given this opportunity to reflect.