Wow.... What a question.... And what timing..
First I'll make a list of all the things I need to let go;
Smoking, my anger, my insecurities, my pride, my jealousy, laziness, my depression, anxiety, wow.... That's a pretty disheartening list..
OK, so this might seem like a quick checklist of all the negatives in my life.. But I assure you it's not.
These are things I am currently working on in myself... Some for a long time (just closed a decade of failed attempts to quit smoking.... Yeay..............) and some a very recent addition to my arsenal of vices (like the anxiety that just decided to plague me for the first time in my 30s....what?).
So....what to do?
How do you let go?
As the yogis found out long ago, trying to let go of something is somewhat paradoxical, as it requires us to focus on something we want to forget..
This paradox seems to arise initially since before I can let go of something, I have to first become aware of it.
If I can't admit I'm proud, I can't let it go...
So this past year has been a very long journey of discovery, of myself.. Those dark, hidden places my psyche wasn't mature enough to deal with yet, are slowly filling up with my consciousness' "light". And let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight...
When I feel angry, I feel that there is a reason. I'm agree AT something or someone. So, I'M the victim! I'm the one who's in the right, and these blubbering idiots have no idea what they're talking about.
But, when the feeling subsides a bit, I slowly start to see my true colours... How I was so busy being the victim, I didn't see my own aggression (as is the case with most angry bullies). I get so wrapped up in my emotions, I can't see out of my head.
And that leaves no chance to let go....
So, the first step is awareness.
Great! Well that was easy, I have anger management issues, a short fuse, hot headed, whatever colloquialism suits you, its got a name, so it's settled.
I wish... Awareness is only the first step, in a long and arduous journey I realize (I was aware I needed to quit smoking 10 years ago...)
So how does one let go..?
Well, for me, I'm realising all my negativity, is actually deeply rooted in my childhood traumas. By trauma I don't mean anything ilegal, I mean a normal upbringing, whereby grown-ups lose their cool, and show the children what negative emotions they use to deal with the world. I.e. Getting angry, shouting, punishing etc..
I learned from the world of grown-ups that you shouldn't be weak, you shouldn't cry. If someone hurt you hurt them back. If you're upset, take it out on others.
I don't mean to sound too critical, I really don't know anyone (except my grandmother God rest her soul) who never loses their temper. Who never has negative emotion they can't deal with.. This is of course natural.
But when kids are learning from your example, when I spend years in a house where 'dad sometimes loses his temper', then is it any wonder I learn to express my anguish through anger? It's the emotion I was taught by my male role models (pretty much all of them... I grew up in Israel)
So that's what I've been coming to terms with.
When I get angry with my wife for asking me to take out the dog, I'm actually feeling inadequate, and fearful of being reprimanded (latent feelings from my lazy childhood), so I lash out on the offence (best defence right...?)
And that's hard to come to terms with.... The fact that every time I feel angry, I'm already in the wrong.. Sure someone may have hurt me, knowingly or unknowingly, but my reaction, and indeed my anger, is my own, and always comes from a deep dark place, that was there long before this person hurt me.
So having said that, what do you do with awareness....?
Well, for me this means recognising when I'm angry (or any overwhelming emotion), taking back my consciousness from my evolutionary - induced amigdala or as Daniel Golman calls it, the amigdala storm, and accepting that I angry. Its OK for me to be angry, or rather, there's not much I can do to stop it.
But, I can decide whether to lash out, to victimise myself, or, to take the time to honestly and calmly express my anger.this usually means me saying "I'm really angry right, I can talk right now", if I know why I'm angry then I sometimes share the true root cause, and that always seems to release a lot of the emotion, "I need to go calm down, and we'll talk about it later."
And what a difference that makes..... Its pretty embarrassing to admit just how quickly my feelings can subside when I acknowledge them (as opposed to denying them, or the true cause of them) why has it taken me over 30 years to get here...?
Oh, that's right... No one taught me how...
I guess I have some resentment to let go of too huh...?
Well, just put it on my tab.
Here's a concept for my next tattoo (sorry for the low quality) it's supposed to be someone removing an Oni mask from their face...
