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I've always found myself as the subject to this particular question but this time it feels rather different to be the object or recipient. On a daily basis, everyone asks "how you are" without expecting episodes or rantings of how you really are, this is because it has become a sort of formality, a usuality or a norm.
It us usually, to show a sign of concern, or to fulfil a human diplomacy. Every human is somehow facing a twisted or an unexplained phenomenon in their lives and sometimes we try to simplify this by trying to imagine that these challenges aren't there. We have come to see these issues as a normalcy, we have come to accept them as parts of our lives especially when we want to be endless rid of them without results.
In my situation, I try to present a persona; I grew up inculcating the perception that no one really cares about you enough to care that much about you. Life is like this, people have their limitations when it comes to how much of you they can handle, this was my default belief.
I was always expecting the love of kindness people show towards me to have a certain expiration time and i was mostly right, disappointment is a bigger problem to handle, sometimes the pain of feeling disappointed and betrayed drowns people into utter pain and that is why I try to see the ephemerality of others in my life rather than the span of their longevity. Truth is; everyone personally has their demons and sometimes people "talk less" of their demon just to imagine they're not there.
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Even if I'm supposed to be talking about how I'm currently feeling, my pain, my sadness, my fufilment or laughter, I find out that it's often more difficult to express. Simplicity in expressing fully the human experience to a picturesque level of understanding is what we can never achieve as people.
I mean, it'll always be difficult to paint an exact picture of the human experience, it's either we related to a minimum level or we don't relate at all but not exactly, this is why we can't begin to entirely the our story because it's even difficult to find the right speeches to correctly express them. Not to sound too gloomy, I'm trying to paint a picture of how exactly I'm feeling, but I had to sort of like get you in the mood. I use to feel our mood often clouds how we adjudicate feelings correctly.
A happy person can never entirely buy into the pain of a sad story. It takes you to have been there to exactly understand, likewise vice versa. This is why sometimes I feel like I'm in a lonely place, suppressed by fear and confusion, anger, pain and often regret.
This is because I often feel like I could control my life better I was given the privilege, sometimes I feel I'm suffering from the choices that's been made for me, it's like having to slot into a life that feels foreign to you but having no choice but to adjust. I live in a judgemental society, people do not want to know your story, they take what they've perceived about you to create a persona of you in their mind. They never feel that a conditioning about you might be as a result of narrative beyond your control.
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This is why sometimes when I consider the complexity of trying to get people to see a splitting image of how I'm truly feeling, I'll end up having to confuse them, chase them away or leave them too knackered and too troubled. At the end of the day, writing, or talking to someone really close is what eventually does it for me.
I'm not wired to depend on the acceptance of people to thrive. I try to however see positivity as my last resort. Sometimes I feel so exhausted of the repetition. But at the end of the day, you'll reply with "fine" to the question of 'how are you?" because it feels really easier. I might not have made sense with how I'm feeling, but that's it. Everyone's got personal rantings that might not really make sense to another person. It's how we're wired and that's why we eventually chose simplicity over that complexity.
Interested in some more of my works?
DeFi In The Nigerian Space; Controlling Finances You Can Understand?
Understanding Cyclical Responsibility; Making A Case Scenario (3Speak)
Comparing Asians & African Food; What Determines The Unique Eating Habits Of Most Nigerians?
The Stench Of Change (An Original Poetry)
Some Of The Most Unique Things About Schooling & Living In Lagos State Nigeria
My name is @Josediccus, a young Nigerian student who is a Vlogger, A Psychologist, Poet And Sports Writer/Analyst. I'm using my contents as a process to create shared meaning as well as create expressions through which people on/off hive can relate. I believe content is a process to be enjoyed and relished and I'm up for any collaborations in my field stated above. Cheers
@Josediccus, your brother-in-pen & heart
I'm hoping to reach more people who are broken at heart and spirit, so share on any platform or reblog