One thing about me is that I'm painstakingly detailing. I have the nose for details, I have this addiction to achieve perfection or at least try to get there. At my earliest stages in life I was surrounded by people who felt I could specifically ammout to nothing, due to so many conditioning that revolved around my life, so while many were particularly being pushed, encouraged and motivated by the people around them.
I was constantly being reminded of my frailties by the people around me and I spent a long while of life, attempting to prove others wrong. One of the biggest burdens in life is trying to prove that you're valuable and not worthless, especially to people who had already formed a mindset about what and who you are.
This was why I was dogged about details, a little of detail could change the appearance of something. I took every feedback about my life rather seriously and due to listening to so many feedbacks, I became immune to pain, they already shattered me. I lived by many clichés, and one of them was that "you can't bring down a man that's already down"
The truth is, I reminded myself a lot about who I am. When we're abreast of our true state of reality, it prunes us to some particular living pattern. Because I constantly reminded myself of who I was, I took it as a priority to be better. I try as much as possible to weigh myself appropriately. Sometimes I tell myself the bitter truth, even if it dampens my hope.
I'm a realist to the core, and sometimes I look at the angles a lot of people would ignore, I do not leave my life to chance, I try to control almost everything I can control and sometimes the things I can't and wasn't able to control often hurts me, this is because I like to be a definition of my dream person.
Sometimes I envisage a superlative version of myself, and it hurts to see that that version can only be a fantasy, since I don't have that power to be that person.
However, envisaging impossibilities makes me to strive, this doesn't mean I am not afraid of failure, in fact sometimes at my weakest version, I make mistakes. I often fear that I might not meet up to expectations, I fear rejection, I crave acceptance and secretly when I'm lonely at night, broken.
I find myself open to suggestions. Nighttime is important to me, because this is where I filter the noise and allow myself to reflect. The fear of failure often comes to me, especially when there are substantial evidences to show that failure is inevitable.
This contradicts the fact that I'm a realist, I'm open to the fact that anything can happen. But sometimes in my heart... The softest part of me hopes, especially when I've done everything I can to remedy a crumbling situation.
Even till now, I feel raw or incomplete. I feel I'm at a time in my life where I should prove a lot of things to myself. One of them is feeling "good enough". A lot of people feel that having money, looking good should make one feel good enough.
But this isn't true, sometimes we're faced with so many battles which we are even ashamed of, there are things we're secretly facing and even if sometimes we motivate people on how to be free or rid of these things.
We're caught up in similar situations sometimes, and we can't even find that motivation within to rid ourselves from these situations. What an irony! I try to fight my battles, allowing myself to grieve, but accepting the Inevitability of continuously living.
There's no shame in telling oneself the truth about themselves. These little details help to fine tune us. There's no harm in reckoning with where you come from, sometimes it's difficult to create a different path, especially when a path has been created for you. It's difficult to see yourself in a different light, especially when your life is dictated by things you can't just ignore or deny.
Sometimes we feel hard done as a result of how our lives have turned out by default. It's always challenging to create a different definition of "you". We all need strength, we need love, motivation and acceptance, this is how we continue to go.
Interested in some more of my works?
Why Do Nigerians Choose To Dye Their Hair? (Feature Article)
How Life's Issues Prevents Us From Obligatory Priorities
A Sense Of Self Accountability: Why Minimalism Exceeds Beyond Spending Money.
A Taste Of You.... (POB WOTW) {An Original Poetry)
Causality & Common Sense: Some Answers To Most Plausible Questions?
My name is @Josediccus, a young Nigerian entrepreneur who is a Vlogger, A Psychologist, Poet, Sports Writer/Analyst & Personal Finance Coach. I'm using my contents as a process to create shared meaning as well as create expressions through which people on/off hive can relate. I believe content is a process to be enjoyed and relished and I'm up for any collaborations in my field stated above. Cheers
@Josediccus, your brother-in-pen & heart
I'm hoping to reach more people who are broken at heart and spirit, so share on any platform or reblog