ecoTrain Question Of The Week Season 6 #7: How do I feel in this moment

I don't exactly know how I feel at this moment but I don't feel fulfilled within me. A lot is going through my mind right now, a feeling of loneliness, disappointment, the need to discover the real me and live up to some expectations. I may be quick to respond I'm fine if someone walks in right now and ask the question how are you?, But that's not truly how I feel inside, maybe because it has become a new normal that I'm fine is the suitable response to the question or maybe because I believe "no one really cares".

I have never connected to who I truly am, sometimes it seems like I'm living blindly. You see that good-looking guy walking down the street thinking 'oh man, he looks all bright up' but no, the gentleman isn't fine, there are a lot of struggles he's carrying at a young age. Everyone is already expecting me to be able to cater for myself and them and there is life making it all difficult, then it's required of me to keep a balance between my personal life, family, and life's vicissitudes.


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Sometimes I try to wave off the worries but they creep in at night seeking an opening to inject their poison. I feel I'm doing my best, again I feel I'm not doing enough. As much as I don't want to live as a mediocre, I find myself going in that direction. I'm confused, drained but that's what I have to deal with every day right? so I just sit and hope something (like a miracle) will happen to flush down this pain.

Health-wise I'm fine, emotionally I'm not, physically I'm good, financially I'm depressed. Yeah, health and physical appearance are all that matters to society and that's the reason I'm supposed to give the normal response. I'm currently unemployed as a graduate, but that's not the case, I feel the little spices that are supposed to put a smile on my face are missing, so it makes me exhausted. When nothing is working in one's life, what do you call it? hmm! Inactive? Nonfunctional? Maybe static sounds better for this example.

Though I feel puzzled, depressed, exhausted, sad, etc. I still appreciate life. Just the hope of another day makes me smile and say 'Lord, I thank You. Another day means I am alive to stay up and fight and celebrate life with loved ones. So it's all a mixture, a part of me that feels depressed and a part of me that's grateful, so I live on.

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