It seems my inner mental health alarm clock has gone off. Today I found myself hiding under my fuzzy purple blanket, tucked away in my room with the cats... with absolutely no motivation to do anything but binge watch "The Crown" and sleep.
I know this side of me. I'm always tired, snappy, I struggle to sleep (even though I'm tired) and I feel guilty for feeling like this. After all, I lead a privileged life, right?
Here's a list of things I'm grateful for.... they say you should start there.....
I am fully loved by my phenomenal partner, @ZakLudick. For the 1st time in my life I am allowed to be completely authentically myself, warts and all... and he loves me to pieces.
We have a beautiful home.
I have a half-day job that pays well (although I'm not very happy with certain aspects - eg my time-bomb, autocratic and narcissistic boss) which enables me to be a good mom to our kids, and also the freedom to pursue my dreams.
My dreams are coming true every time @JasperDick and I perform together, either for videos here on the @music community or live at our concerts. Even our rehearsals bring me huge amounts of joy. I have my third official, wait, no fourth official release happening on the 16th of December, on the same day that Jasper and I are doing our next performance. Also, I know I said I wouldn't boast, but Mango Groove has started following me on my social media platforms! GeeksOut
I'm studying to start copywriting in January (hopefully this will become a full-time gig to replace the crappy boss).
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I have three gorgeous children.
Three gorgeous cats (one of whom went missing and miraculously came home).
@ZakLudick and I purchased a lovely reliable and very sexy-looking family car this year.
here are @ZakLudick @Therneau and @Jusipassetti at one of my shows
I am surrounded by beautiful, genuine supportive friends.
And of course, Christmas is around the corner!
So what's wrong with me, up here in by pretty privileged palace of floof?
Sigh..... here it goes.....
I have shitty boundaries with my family. I set boundaries and they trample all over them. We're all broken, frankly, and carrying around a lot of PTSD. Some of us have used therapy and medication, and some of us don't want to admit that there's anything wrong. We have a cycle of trauma, abuse, and gaslighting. It's like a black hole, that I'm always dangerously skimming the edge of. It's too easy to fall into the drama... and they get me every time because I am the emotional fixer and the mediator. I just can't though. Not anymore. But guilt and shame are my triggers and they know it. And they'll play those cards over and over. Especially at this time of year, when we're all supposed to be thinking about family.
My job is soulless and thankless. I mean, I work in a medical facility, which is immensely rewarding for me. I thoroughly enjoy interacting with the patients. My natural ability to nurture and empathize would have actually made me a good healthcare worker. I was originally hired as a sort of office manager, receptionist, and clinical assistant person but I never received an official contract. I won't go into too much detail, I'm already getting bored here, but once again, I made the mistake of not setting healthy boundaries and I've allowed myself, as a people-pleaser to be trampled upon and used as a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong.
Money: I'm sure we can all sigh here..... It's year-end, and here in South Africa that means gathering cash for the very long school holidays, getting ready for the new school year (which means stationary, uniforms, and two pairs of shoes each for all three kids), traffic fines, Christmas presents and my knee that I've been putting off having treated properly for way too long.... the list is endless and ever-growing.
I'm terrified of my dreams. This is probably the most whack one, but as my musical dreams grow and the goalposts shift, I get more and more excited, but also the stakes get higher and higher. I also cannot tell the difference between sheer excitement and a full-blown panic attack. @JasperDick has been a phenomenal mentor with this though and has helped me overcome my strive for perfection and crippling stage fright by arming me with a ridiculous amount of hats and toys to wear and play on stage. But, as I was saying to my good friend Niél Kruger (The brain behind Bring Back the Rainbow) is it really failure that I'm afraid of? OR is it success that I'm afraid of?
Motherhood: on top of all this I am ultimately also trying to be the mother I never had. With all three kids (if not there already) approaching the dreaded teen years, hormones are flying around and each child needs to be nurtured and loved. Finding balance and making sure everyone's needs are met is exhausting. Rewarding, but exhausting. I'm constantly worried that I'm failing them.
And what then is left for quite possibly the most important part of my life.... the backbone to it all... my relationship with my husband person, my co-parent, my partner, and my lover? I worry that we both work and stress so much about everything else that we take very little, if any time for ourselves, either individually or as a couple. Grocery shopping has become a date. At least he pinches my butt while I push the trolley 🤣
While I'm unsure of how to solve all of this, in a few month's time, I'll look back at this list and say, "Omg Claire, why were you worried about this, or that," and things that I haven't even added to the list that are worrying me will have come and gone...
It really does feel good just to talk about what's going on..... and I suppose that it's really the whole point of this series. Catharism and connection.
To remind myself and others that we're not alone. And that None of us need to be perfect.
As an annecdote to this post and the picture I chose for the title, I wanted to ask how many of you guys have watched the iconic and brilliantly funny Netflix Series, Big Mouth, ?
They really do have our human emotions nailed and anthropomorphized them into "Hormone Monsters." They even managed to rope Brené Brown in brilliantly to combat the Shame Monster!
If you're not familiar, I'm going to introduce them to you, at least my favorite to start with!
It began as a great way for us to show our older kids, in a relatable language to them all about bullying, puberty and attraction and all kinds of scary stuff about adolescence I'd forgotten about, really.
The series does evolve though and it definitely isn't kid friendly after season two, but @ZakLudick and I binge watched right up until the end (6 seasons).
We then followed up with the spin off series: Human Resourses, which continues the theme.... but this time, it's the adults and the monsters that have got issues! Everything to dealing with aging parents to post-natal depression, they really hit the mark on so many aspects of adulthood that we don't like to talk about.
I'll probably rope them into more of my mental health posts in the future, so perhaps we can refer back to this post when you all think I'm certifiably nuts.
If you haven't already, do yourself a favour and go check both series out on Netflix. I must warn you, its so crass 🤣 but once you get through the 1st few episodes and understand the sentiment behind them, I trust you'll take away some good laughs and perhaps a little more understanding about yourself and those around you.
Source
The Shame Monster and the Anxiety Mosquito
Depression Kitty
Source
Connie the Hormone Monster