The Gift of Today that is You

I first heard the word self-love during college, my days in the university when times were difficult and [thankfully] I had friends that went with me through the struggles that we all shared —passing our subjects and graduating. During that time, getting my bachelor degree meant all the difficult things I could ever imagine. I was wrong, the person that I am today, from three years ago, have far more difficult things to juggle right now. But, I am still so proud and not even belittling those things that what I was able to conquer three years ago.

There was always a tug of war within my circle of friends on what things can be regarded as a practice of self-love. How do you determine whether what you're doing is for taking care of one self or you're unknowingly being selfish already? That was our usual question whenever we label the things that we do as our way of giving priority to ourselves — our needs and even wants. A long-standing question that I have carried with me, is there a right answer for this one? Or will it always be a grey area?

Well in the past years of embracing this practice of high regard to one self, I have done things that tick off some lists that you can find in the Internet. I've drawn healthy boundaries, I've been mindful of my lifestyle (fitness and food I consume), I've reconnected with my hobbies, I've learned to spend quiet moments on my own, and I could really enumerate a lot of those things. But right now, what I want to share is that one thing that's been holding my bad and good days knit together...

I have learned this too well when I was in my lowest. You know when you're not exactly the person you want to be, how can then you convince yourself that you're deemed with value and deserving of love? I was so frustrated of the situation I was in that I wanted to give it up for good. That frustration I get when I'm on a losing streak playing a game, but that time it was life. It was easy for me to celebrate the good things but being joyful of the bad things is really a huge challenge for me. That's when I knew that I had to change the way I look at myself. I thought, that I should be the person who is the most kind to myself. When I have failed hugely on something for that day, then all I really have to do on the remaining of that day is to be kind to myself. I have had experiences of receiving little act of kindness from family, friends, and even strangers. But I never have imagined how heart warming it is to know that I have this acceptance of myself, flaws and all.

It's a wonderful thought if I have that completely figured out all-day long and without fail. However, I am yet again reminded that my consistency on how I look at myself will, if not now, fail again some time soon. So, aside from preaching this to myself almost everyday, I do things that are of action, things that are more solid than my words.

I do believe that self-love is much more than looking inwardly to myself. If I value myself, then I should cultivate a healthy environment for me to grow, much like planting a seed in a pot. For me, spending time with nature brought a huge difference in my outlook. At some point I was even able to have an active lifestyle by running on our university's academic oval, something I have never could imagine. I enjoy the running, the fast pace, but what I have love the most is the spectacle of nature that I'm able to see. On days that I can't or don't want to run, I still enjoy the time that I simply walk my way on lanes and take in the beauty of the scenery around me. It gifts me the feeling of being part of something bigger.

My morning runs usually take 40 minutes, when I'm done, the sun has already risen. That's alright with me, atleast I still get the to bask on its warmth. But the other day, when I decided to just walk and spend my time slowly. I was able to catch the rising sun, I was able to watch the skies change color as it welcomes the new day. Whenever I allow myself to have slow moments, I get the feeling that I'm embracing my own timeline. I'm allowing myself the progress I'm comfortable with. I'm giving myself the space to grow with the pace that doesn't feel like a burden. Sometimes, slow moments are what we need to see that we have already come a long way. I like to see my days, even with a lot of ups and downs, to be steady. And the only time it's possible is when I look at my progress from a far.

A memory-of-a-goldfish. I am that person who always tend to forget, that is why I see the importance of consistency even on the little things. Consistency on the things that I do, may it be learning or enjoying my hobbies, gives me the higher chance of remembering the things I have to keep close to my heart and mind. In the past years, I have learned to take note of my days —journal about what happened on that day. If I want to celebrate my present, might as well journal about it. I've transitioned from just vaguely writing down some things to putting so much details of how my day went. It helps me to process my emotions, of what I have felt during that time. I have learned that when I bottle up the things that I have felt, those are doomed to blow up. And that's not a very good picture to see.

A lot of things could happen in a day, that means I have a lot of things to remember and learn from. Reading my old journals also teaches me valuable lessons that the old me has learned. I think I have a lot of life lessons that I had to re-learn, I realized that it's not just in school that learning doesn't stop. Life too, has its ways in reminding me that there's this vast bubble, a bigger school that I am in. So right now, I'm taking notes of the details of my day. I'm learning to understand myself better. I'm going through the process of loving myself day after day. Journaling can also be a creative activity for me, I bought stickers, washi tapes, pens, and printed some photos I took to craft spreads that will remind me the beauty of the grand and even the mundane moments.

I used to think that self-love is just a glorified form of selfishness. I was so wrong. How can I give something that I do not have? How can I claim to love something or someone when I have not felt love in the first place? Unnatural as it was for me when I first decided to make time and effort for myself, I'm glad that people are seeing the importance of this practice in their lives. I hope we could all be a better version of ourselves in the future and that we could also be the first ones to celebrate the present that we are today.