Not so long ago I was witness to a conversation between a mother and her adult child, where the child got so fast angry at minuscule critiques of the parent. The grownup child even accused the parent of maybe not having a partner, because of the mother's parenting style; that it affected the way the adult treated (potential) partners. I have also had my fair share of struggles with my parents and especially my mom, so I knew where the adult offspring was coming from. But on the other hand I also empathized with the parent.
Having had strict (Asian) parenting when growing up, where there was a lot expected from the children regarding education and standing/acting in society, I have endured enough scolding and criticism from my parents and had to hear how disappointed they were in me. When I was younger I took it all in and didn't speak up, as that would've been seen as an act of disrespect. I'm not saying it was all bad though; I have fond memories with my family and my parents were/are proud of me, even if they don't understand all of my own decisions and wouldn't agree to it if it were up to them. And I know it came from a place of love as it was all they knew, because they were brought up in the same way or even worse.
The only downside to all that was that I hadn't realized then, that it made a dent in my self esteem and that it resulted in me distancing myself from loved ones around me, I became irritable and I pushed people away. I got so angry at a lot of things and most of the time I didn't even know why, until I got some help and learned a lot about myself. I even learned how to express myself, as I used to hold everything in with an angry outburst at the last drip. I learned to say no and how to communicate how I felt/feel in a constructive manner. My parents didn't have to understand or didn't have to agree, but they needed to respect my choices.
It was then that I opted out of playing the victim and stopped blaming my parents for the way I felt about myself or the things I wasn't too happy about. I forgave my parents and I accepted that they are also just human beings, who don't always know it all. Now that I'm at this point in life and have a pretty decent relationship with my parents I have never felt so free and so at peace. And that's the power of changing your mindset from that of a victim to that of a survivor: let what you have no control over be, take charge of what you can control and forgive yourself for your own faults as you are also just a human being.
If you've had any sort of experience like mine or a different one, I would like to know if and how you've overcome it, as we may learn from each other's experiences 😊.