Do you ever get that feeling...

If you could just strip away a few decades and be a little freer just for a little while.

Would you, I mean would you really?

Just for a little while, go back to a simpler time when you could find all the joy you could ever desire playing in a field, on a beach, in the street. Conversation was brief sentences with no pretense, no agenda, just real gut felt responses from friends who didn't want anything more from you than staying out playing for a little longer.

To a time when you were jobless and that was legitimate, expected even, when budgeting, debt, cash flow, rent, or mortgage were words that flitted by from time to time from the mouths of the adults who appeared to always be in a rush to somewhere or another and seemed always to have a head filled with a million racing thoughts.

It was a time when for me I would fantasize about all the cool things I would do when I was an adult.

Oh wow! How could I ever have gotten it so wrong?

I planned so many adventures, dreamed of all the places I would visit, some of them, I decided I would actually stay in for a few months, maybe even a year or so.

I was going to be an author, a pilot a pop star an actor, a comedian, an analytical chemist!!!

Life would be one long adventure, leaping from one exciting situation to another. I would experience unadulterated joy every second of every day... To be honest, as I approach next year's milestone of 50, that all sounds incredibly tiring if I'm going to be completely honest.

I still have dreams, of course, it's just that the sand in the timer runs way faster than I ever expected it would. Summer leads to Christmas leads to another Summer, leads to another Christmas, and so on, ad infinitum.

Oh but 'Infinitum' is a poor choice of expression because it certainly isn't bloody infinite, is it?

From time to time I wondered what it would be like to be ancient, like 30 or something, I couldn't conceive of ever being so damn old, oh the sweet irony, the unadulterated folly when it came to any kind of understanding regarding the exponentially increasing passage of time.

This is what has flitted in and out of my mind today, it's been a morose, rubbish kind of day. There was conflict, high emotion, frayed tempers but tiredness, nihilism and apathy trumped everything else. I've really been wondering if I would accept the opportunity to turn back the clock just for a little while, even...

Do you know something? I think I would say yes!!!

Oh, there was angst at times when I was young, I'm not convinced I would choose the teen years but the chance to be so free just for a little while is oh-so-much-more than tempting.

In many, many ways, I love my life, I accept that where I find myself today is the culmination of millions of MY micro-choices. Some of them were undeniably bloody awesome some of them were made by Steven the dumbass.

I own them all and accept full responsibility.

I'm a Dad and incredibly happy to have earned that moniker. I am in a fabulous relationship for some three decades now with an abso-bloody-lutely fabulous lady who is also my best friend. I have an incredibly small number of people I call friends and those few relationships I cherish although I must confess I can't always be bothered to nurture those friendships in the way I know I should. My bad!

I struggled to make it through today for too many reasons to list, work was hard, decisions were made poorly by my superiors (in name only) the consequences of said decisions fell on the weary back of poor (self-pitying) Steven.

I began to groan under the weight of life stuff that has been reaching a fever pitch of late. Financial, mental, emotional. Ever smiling, never grumbling, as the weight of expectation grows. The need to be all supportive, all-knowing, and font of absolute, unfailing, inalienable wisdom to all comers at all times.

Sometimes I think, I'm sure you do too, it's a bloody good job people cannot see inside your head, right?

So today, just for today, I would happily flick that switch to take me back to a much simpler, freer time without expectation, responsibility, or obligation. Maybe my biggest plan for the day would be finding some ladybirds (ladybugs), enjoying the sun on my bare chest without worrying about how my chest looks to the rest of the world.

I would run everywhere, laugh at the simplest, dumbest things, and feel incredibly happy in my own skin, there would be no deep introspection, no self-conscious thoughts on what others thought of how I chose to spend my time and I wouldn't return home till sunset...

Yup! I would flick that switch to transport myself back to those times. I think I may find a new perspective there, hopefully, I could bring it back to my workaday present life, I imagine that would be pretty cool.

Just for a little while...

By the way, I've missed you lately Hive-friends, I will be more present again soon when life's raging fires have been extinguished, and an even keel is established. I'll be a lot more fun, more optimistic, and ready to laugh again. but for the moment, I think the best way to describe my thoughts is pensive...

Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post & if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!

Either way, I want you to know that you are appreciated!

Keep taking the time to connect with each other both here & in the 'so-called' real-world & try & look after each other, because as you already know...

I am an incredibly proud member of #TeamUK I love the global community immensely, but it is nice to have a home-team banner to add to my posts. The banner was made by the inimitable Roastmaster General himself @c0ff33a If you are an active UK member & would like to be added to the team UK community on Discord, just let me know 😎

All pictures are, as always, my own.