When I originally wrote this post, I was in the process of getting to know myself better. I was learning what I want and need from relationships. It was uncomfortable territory for me, but necessary work.
What I knew:
One of my relationship patterns is being more invested than the person I pursue, whether for romance or friendship.
What I didn't know:
Do I choose people who are less accessible to torture myself? At the time of this writing, it was unclear.
What I learned: I am apparently a “check in every day” person.
I have plenty of theories as to why I desire daily reassurance that I’m remembered. I’m grateful for the opportunity to sort through these emotional responses and to wait to hear from someone else instead of constantly reaching out.Ultimately, that worked out for me. I met and married a woman who complements my needs.
It’s okay for me to feel afraid, alone, insecure and more. Breaking patterns is hard. My desire for a relationship is not the same as my impulse to be codependent. As always, I am write through it.
Admission
A secret: I do not want to think of you
as I fall asleep, in my dreams,
with my eyes open sun streaming in
reason being there is no evidence
the affection is returned no proof
I am learning I thrive on reminders
My fear is being needy, not needed
wanting, not wanted. Forgotten or
remembered without a mirror
I’m on fire and I could say so
but that feels like begging and I guess
I wish to be met in the middle.