This post is a little harder to write but if it helps one person then I am happy even if it makes people more aware then its a win for me.
I have wrote posts about my childhood abuse a few times and my fight to at least get my head in the right state, Its took a while and still have a way to go. Any sort of abuse/ bullying etc leaves its marks on the victim, no not a bruise its more like a hidden bruise that pops back up with triggers, something the victim see's or hears can take you back there. I had parents who didn't care, a father that was very violent and angry, a mother who would rather put her children through the abuse than take any herself, she had a brilliant knack of turning off watching TV and knitting whilst her child is screaming in the same room as she is beaten with his belt, the buckle end.
What I want to talk about is life after abuse, growing and being able to be touched. I was sexually abused by junior school teacher, he had his own disabilities, a high shoe plus only 1 workable arm, he drove a blue 3 wheel Skoda that he would try and follow me on the way home, I would run so fast to get to the bushes on the road home and hide in the bushes until he passed, I dread to think what would have happened if I did get in his car. I also went through Mental Abuse at home, my father was in charge, we did what he said even his wife, if he wanted something he wanted it now and she wasn't allowed to say no. Whilst all this was happening his 4 daughters and 1 son could hear everything.
Moving on from any form of abuse is really difficult but moving on from sexual abuse has been so hard for me, I don't think I will ever change.
I had boyfriends, I could get close to them as long as it was on my terms, they never lasted very long, as soon as it started to get real I would finish it. I did eventually meet my husband who I never thought I would marry, I thought it wouldn't last, hubby didn't give up, if we fell out he would be back the next day. We were together for around 7 years before we got married. The real trouble started when we moved in together.
I was with him all the time apart from when I was at work, he was at home for a few months before he started work so every night I got home he was there, when I opened my eyes he was there. I was on edge all the time because he is a touchy feely man whilst I am like a block of Ice and always had a headache. We often ask ourselves now how on earth have we got 2 children. Its the only time I didn't make excuses as I wanted a child. I don't like Sex, I would rather stick pins in my eyes. Hubby didn't know anything about my past until we were married. Its took us years of rows, huffs, tears and understanding to come to realise there is a problem, I have the problem but its not my fault something else my abuser have stopped me from enjoying.
I have spent the last 36 years hating sex, hating to be cuddled or kissed in case it went further. I constantly made excuses that would eventually end up arguing. One day I sat down and told hubby all about it, he heard everything. I had to stop him going down to my parents house as he wanted to knock them both out. We talked for a long time. It took him a few days to think about it, he understood why I am the way I am and knows its not going to change. We talked about ways to get over it, like when he wanted a cuddle and kiss he would tell me that is all it was so I wouldn't tense up, He was brilliant, we got through it with no more tears or rows.
My daughters know what I went through, I have also made sex not a dirty scary word for them the way I think about it, they can talk to me about everything and I will do everything I could to get the the correct answer. Thankfully they aren't going to have my problem and that makes me happy knowing they are both going to experience a real loving experience. I was just lucky to marry a man that was very understanding. Didn't think they existed.
